Coloring Outside the Lines

God Loves a Joyful Noise

2012-01-05T12:21:00.000-07:00

Need a laugh? Found this on Matthew Paul Turner's blog, an author that I used to work with in a previous job. I love his blog title, When Christians Can't Sing.

Peace of Mind by Mindy Smith

2012-01-04T17:37:00.001-07:00

A new year gives fresh starts. So, for those of you who have a tough 2011, here is a song to help in your search for a peace of mind and a hopeful heart.

Mindy Smith - Peace of Mind (courtesy of You Tube)

I need peace of mind
and a hopeful heart
to lose this rage
and move out of the dark
I ain't looking for rainbows
or shooting stars
just some peace of mind
and a hopeful heart

I need a peace of mind
and a lullaby
cause theres an angry voice
in my head tonight
tellin' me to do things
that can't be right
I need peace of mind
and a lullaby

and a miracle
for this broken soul
a little miracle
for this broken soul

I need peace of mind
and gentle hand
as I try to change
the way I am
and God forgives me
when I can't
I need peace of mind
and a gentle hand

or a miracle
for this broken soul
a little miracle
for this broken soul

I need peace of mind
and a hopeful heart

Tim Tebow and Jesus Christ

2011-12-19T16:27:00.002-07:00

I’m jumping on the Tebow Time bandwagon and adding my two cents. I don't have a problem with Tim Tebow's vocal belief in Jesus Christ. As a Christ follower, I wouldn't go as far as to call him God's quarterback as alot in the media have dubbed him. I believe that God is answering other prayers besides the ones from Tebow. And, for the Broncos seven straight wins, it has more to do with Tebow's leadership to ignite his teammates and do the impossible than divine intervention. I knew the run would be over when they played the New England Patriots. As a Pats fan, I knew Tom Brady and crew would humble Tebow and beat the Broncos badly. Tom Brady showed how the game is played when awesome QB skill is carried through all four quarters. I like Tebow's heart and how he prayed for the injured Pats player when they carried him off the field. Through more game time and improvements in accuracy when he passes to his moving targets, Tebow will be a QB threat in the upcoming years.

If you watched SNL this past Saturday, they did a skit on Tebow and Jesus. As a Christ follower, I wasn't offended that they did a satirical swipe at Tebow mania. I know some of the Christians that were offended. But, you have to laugh at the absurdity of all. To focus on God answering prayers of quarterback instead of focusing on the prayers of the unemployed, the hungry, poor, and sick. The media doesn’t elevate the local pastor whose church is helping those children who may not get presents this Christmas. It’s because the pastor’s efforts doesn’t sell magazines or get high network ratings. Only the efforts of young quarterback in the prayer position. You have to say God has a sense of humor by using Tebow to bring words like prayer, Jesus Christ, Lord and Savior into a politically correct public arena. And, doing it through another place of worship – football. It’s fun to see the debates on divine intervention vs. actual skill. Regardless if you agree with his beliefs or not, Tim Tebow has made an impact on our cynical society.

Courtesy of Saturday Night Live/NBC Universal (video from You Tube - Charles Prince BKNY post)

Where are the single Christian men?

2011-12-15T12:53:00.002-07:00

As many single Christian women can attest, it can be hard to find decent single Christian men to date. I thought it was an issue for women of a certain age. But, it sounds like it's hitting the 20 and 30 somethings too. These men lack initative. To be bold and ask a girl out, then following up with dating plans. When you meet them online, they put you in a prepetual pen pal state as they send several long email essays with endings like "we should get together, so call me or text me sometime". You go along with the program since he writes the right words like "I believe that God should be the center of communication" and "communication is important to me to express I how feel, good and bad" and "I believe that conversation should happen in person and not over alot of emails". Words that women want to hear cause face it, we all want men who do communicate their feelings well and we don't want to email forever.

But, time goes on. You may have moved off the dating website to texting. You keep texting while waiting for the first date invitation. Still nothing. You realize he is asking the same questions from when you were talking on the dating site. He doesn't remember that he has asked you the same questions before. You play along, giving him the benefit of the doubt that his memory may not be good. Deep down, you wonder if it is because he is chatting with alot of women at once and can't keep all you girls straight. Regardless, no date in sight. You don't want to be mean and bitter but you wonder if he is just a good writer and has no plans to meet in real life. Or that he just likes the female attention.

It also happens when you meet them in singles group or Bible study group. These men who enjoy their singleness and the attention of all the single women in their group since the female to male ratio is higher. They don't have to take initative because alot of women pursue them. I'm starting to think the Christian men who actually take the lead and make things happen are already married.

It's not just Christian men. It appears to be alot of men in general regardless of the reglious affiliation that don't take initative. With articles like The End of Men and Why Men are in Trouble, it is a cultural problem that is getting more exposure. I don't know if alot of boys are being raised to be men of action (outside of video games) and leadership. Or if they are intimidated by the success of women's achievements in education, work, and personal finances. What ever the issue is, I don't know what the cure could be. Only to hope and pray that there are some single men who can rise above it and shine. And, that they ask women out and make it happen.

Praying for a Husband

2011-12-14T16:16:00.001-07:00

There are a group of single Chistian women who fast and pray every Monday for a husband. I read about them and pondered the idea of following suit. Like a good marketing campaign (I know this because I work in marketing), there are testimonies that God answered their prayers and these women got married. I am happy for them but my skepticism came out. It's how I'm wired. I question every thing and not take it at face value. For some reason, a part of me sees this aligning with the prosperty gospel - "pray to God to bless you financially and money will show up unexpectedly." Don't get me wrong. I believe that prayer works. But going down this path feels like I'm making God be Santa Claus, giving Him this list of desires to fulfill. Author Anna Broadway was able to articulate this better than me.

Currently, I'm 40 years old and never married. I have dated but none of those men took it to the next step and proposed. I have had to accept that it may not be God's will for my life to marry. My mom (who is more faithful in this area than me) believes it is the wrong timing. That God will answer the desire of my heart. Yet, I know God doesn't answer every prayer. If marriage does happen, it would be a miracle and not from anything that I'm doing. I told her hopefully it doesn't happen at the nursing home when I'm 70. But, anything is possible.

So, I'm living life and not making it a big search anymore. I spent most of my 30s looking for that husband through online dating. Wasting alot of time on first dates that didn't go anywhere. Or dating men that lacked the qualities I needed for a healthy relationship. I don't want my 40s to mirror the last decade. It helps that I no longer can have biological childen. The pressure of getting married before the fertility window closed was so strong that finding a husband took priority over most things in my life. No more. The goal now is to continue growing with existing friendships and seeking out additional friends. And, getting love from my family.

As for praying for a husband, I will work through the skepticism. And, if God does answer that prayer, you will get a wedding invitation.

Heart Like Mine

2011-12-05T17:27:00.003-07:00

When I'm listening to the song Heart Like Mine by Miranda Lambert, I think alot of conservative Christians would be appalled with her lyrics.

Even though I hate to admit it
Sometimes I smoke cigarettes
The Christian folks say I should quit it
And I just smile and say "god bless"

Cause I heard Jesus he drank wine
And I bet we'd get along just fine
He could calm a storm and heal the blind
And I bet he'd understand a heart like mine

She flaunts her humanity, the nature that allows her to be honest about herself. That she doesn't fit in the religious dogmatic box when it comes to her feelings about Jesus Christ. She doesn't sign up to be self- righteous or holier-than-thou but accepts the grace that is given to her. She knows that Jesus would talk to her, learn about her, accept her, and loves her. It's the reason why the religious ones wanted him dead. If you don't believe he could love a girl like her, it is not understanding God's heart. He does understand a heart like hers not the heart of a Pharisee. With that love, she will be transformed and grow as a woman after God's heart.

Lambert understands that when she says
And I'll fly away from it all one day
And I'll fly, I'll fly away
But these are the days that I will remember
When my names called on a roll
He'll meet me with two long stem glasses
And make a toast to me coming home

She knows she can run into the open arms of her Father like a prodigal daughter. The song echoes the faith of Brennan Manning whose memoir, All is Grace, I just finished. He calls himself a ragamuffin who struggles with his demons while knowing how much God loves him as him. Despite the darkness he has tackled throughout his life, he allows God's grace to carry him through. It's not about being perfect but understanding that God loves us, and we can be transformed by it.

In this season of Advent as we will celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ, we will be like Miranda Lambert with our heart anticipating acceptance and grace. We will fly away to where there are no more tears and no more pain. All will be new and we can feast at the banquet table with the One who loves us and celebrate our hearts.

Country Music Girls Sing the Best Relationship Songs

2011-12-05T12:49:00.004-07:00

Didn't use to be a country music fan. But listening to songs from Miranda Lambert and Lady Antebellum, the lyrics are swaying me over to that side. Country singing girls know how to tell like it is when it comes to men and relationships. Their lyrical tirades let those men know how they feel and let us fans articulate what we need to say in a catchy 3 minute tune. These songs are a great elixir for the breakup blues or relationships that test your patience.

Miranda Lambert - Baggage Claim

Lady Antebellum - Long Gone (here is a song that sums up my recent relationship situation)

It's so like you just to show up at my door
And act like nothin's happened
You think I'll sweep my heart up off the floor
And give it to you
Like so many times before
You're talking to a stranger
I'm not that girl anymore

[Chorus]
That girl is long gone
Boy you missed the boat it just sailed away
Long gone
She's not drowning in her yesterdays
Betcha never thought I'd be that strong
Well this girl is long gone

Don't waste your breath with baby baby please
Cuz I am so not listening
Don't bother getting down upon your knees and try to beg me
I'm tired of how you twist the truth
You're not talking to the same girl
Who used to forgive you

[Repeat Chorus]

Gone like the wind under Superman's cape
Like a thief in the night I made the great escape
I'm not the kind of girl that keeps making the same mistakes

[Chorus]
That girl is long gone
Boy you missed the boat it just sailed away
Long gone
I'm not drowning in my yesterdays
Betcha never thought I'd be that strong, betcha didn't
Yeah well baby I proved you wrong
This girl is long gone, long gone
This girl is long gone, long gone
This girl is long gone
This girl is gone

Celebrating C.S. Lewis

2011-11-22T11:03:00.000-07:00

Today a lot of people will remember this day as it is the anniversary of John F. Kennedy’s assassination. It happened before I was born. My mom remembers the day vividly with news being announced in her middle school classroom. His assassination as well as his brother’s, Martin Luther King, and several others sent the sixties generation into a free-for-all. Belief in institutions like government, schools, and church eroded because the world no longer seemed secure. And, they felt that those institutions couldn’t protect them.

That skepticism still resonates to this day as that attitude about church was passed down to me. Because of a bad church experience, my mom didn’t make go to church as child. Religion would be my choice. As I got older, I wasn’t an atheist. More of an agnostic, believing in some higher power. I couldn’t wrap my arms around certain religions like Christianity. And, most of the Christians I met were judgmental and self-righteous. I prided myself on my intellectual abilities, bragging that I didn’t need God even though inside I felt empty and lost. At the age of 27, from listening to ad on a pop radio station, I started going to a church geared toward skeptical Gen Xers like me. It was the first time I heard about Jesus Christ and learned about forgiveness and grace. Jesus was friends with the prostitutes, tax collectors, adulterers, and foreigners. He was radical and revolutionary. Something that a lot of people don’t know about because of the religious dogma that is being spoken instead of His love.

Learning more about Jesus, I became a Christ follower. Reading C.S. Lewis helped to feed the intellectual side of my new belief. Lewis had grown up in the church. But as a teenager, he became an atheist. When he was teaching at Oxford, he became a Christian. Some say it was the influence of J.R.R. Tolkien with whom he met with other writers on a weekly basis in a literary discussion group called the Inklings. His debates and discussions with Tolkien, who was Catholic, led Lewis to embrace Christianity again. He said in his book Surprised by Joy, “he was like a prodigal, kicking, struggling, resentful, and darting his eyes in every direction for a chance to escape.” I can totally relate to this. People who knew me before I was 27 are amazed that I follow Christ. I fought it but couldn’t deny Him anymore. Reading Lewis’ book, Mere Christianity helped to seal the deal. C.S. Lewis’ writings have impacted many regardless of their religious beliefs. Most children and adults love the Chronicles of Narnia.

Today is C.S. Lewis’ birthday. He died the same day as JFK. Yesterday was my grandfather’s birthday who died eleven years ago. He was the only father figure in my life because I didn’t know my father. As he was dying from cancer, he embraced the Jesus he knew from childhood and had walked away from as a teenager, similar to C.S. Lewis. Having that rekindled love for Jesus helped my grandfather to die peacefully and not be afraid of leaving his family behind as he faced death bravely.

November 21st and 22nd will always be special days for me.

Favorite Song of the Day

2011-11-17T17:01:00.001-07:00

Have to feed my inner rock chick

Proud to be a Curvy Girl

2011-11-14T16:26:00.001-07:00

I’m proud to be a curvy girl. Years ago, those words wouldn’t have spilled from my lips. I would be signing up with Weight Watchers or LA Fitness trying to lose 30 to 40 pounds. Back then, I loathed buying double digit clothes. When I lost 40 pounds back around 2004 on Weight Watchers, I shrunk down to a size 8. I was so proud that I could fit my teenage cousin’s jeans. Yet, as I was strutting my new body, there was a demon lurking in the shadows. Ready to pounce. His name was hunger and he was pissed that I dumped him. Now, I understand why models don’t look happy when they work the catwalk. They are starving! I could only eat veggies, no sugar, no fruit, and very lean meat to maintain the size 8 body. So, needless to say, it didn’t last long. I eventually gained back all the weight. But, I was much happier and so was my body. I learned healthy living habits like going to gym and learning 80/20 eating(eating 5 to 6 small meals throughout the day – 80% healthy and 20% unhealthy). I now wear a size 12-14. Since I have turned 40, I have accepted that I will never be a size 8 or 10 again unless I spend 3 to 4 hours at the gym and be on a strict diet. Life is too short to spend hours on a treadmill and eating baby carrots. I want to eat veggies because they taste good and not because it will keep the grumpy hungriness at bay.

With diet industry being a multi-billion dollar one, people daily seek some new formula to lose weight. Yet ironically, we are the most obese than our country has ever been. There is some disconnect becaue we are so detached from recognizing natural hunger pains. We have destroyed them from starving ourselves and/or overeating. We don’t know when our stomachs have had enough or too much. And, with the media pressure to be impossibly stick thin, we have a hard time loving our bodies. And, just because someone is skinny, doesn’t mean they are healthier. A lot of times, they are carrying their fat on their organs and not realizing it. I still go to the gym. But, instead of trying to get skinny, I get my body strong. I still like my cheeses from around the world with a nice piece of crusty bread. But, in moderation. I’m not going to fret like I used to do.

Curvy girls can be beautiful and sexy. It’s all about attitude and how you flaunt it. Be proud and not ashamed. Don’t listen to the voices that tell you that you are less than. You are enough!

Being Brave

2011-11-14T16:05:00.000-07:00

Single women are brave when they dine at a restaurant alone, go to the movies by themselves, traspe around the world solo, and sit in the church pews sans a boyfriend or a husband. It takes courage to do those things and not worry what others may be thinking. Since a lot of things are geared towards the couple, it’s easier to stay at home and be a hermit than venture out alone. Even if you have girlfriends to go out with, your schedule may not coincide with theirs. And, you don’t want to spend another night with cable. Yes, he is a reliable boyfriend. He doesn’t talk back and allows you to control him with a flick of a wrist. It’s easy to fall under his spell because he lets you wear sweatpants and no makeup. But, to explore new things and live life, we have to leave the confines of the girl cave.

Not saying we women need a badge of honor. Just an acknowledgement of how hard it can be to be a single in a double’s world. I admire those single women who buck the status quo and show up, make their presence known when most of the time they are invisible. I don’t care what people think when I eat at breakfast at my favorite mom and pop place or go see a good indie film that allows you to bring in your glass of Merlot with your popcorn. Being an only child has helped in this area too. With no siblings to rely on, I learned how to play alone. I found that I could entertain myself for hours. And, the days when my natural introversion takes over, it’s nice just to have a cup of coffee and read a book at the café without having to talk.

Church used to be hard with all the couples and families sitting together in their tight unit. Especially when the church didn’t have a singles ministry. I knew other singles existed but it was hard to find them if the congregation was big. I’m learning to get over it. But, it has been a slow process.

Being a single woman of certain age allows me to gain more confidence and learn to accept my status better. Doesn’t mean that I don’t get pangs to be part of a couple. But, it is not an overwhelming urge to find any guy to satisfy his role of joining me on social outings. It would have to be right guy especially after being in a recent bad relationship. After the breakup, I’m regaining traction and enjoying going out alone. I’ve joined different Meetup groups and have met other like-minded people. The groups allow me to have a packed social life or a quiet week of alone time if I’m not interested in that week’s activities.

It can be a challenge to navigate the social world as a single woman. But, we are not alone. We just need to find each other, encourage each other, and get each other through the tough times. Some married people are jealous of our freedom. We should remember that and see our singleness as a blessing and not a curse. When we remember that, it makes life easier.

Having Hope

2011-10-26T14:40:00.001-07:00

I saw this on my friend's Facebook page. It should make us single women feel good especially if you still have hope!

Offbeat Bride

2011-10-25T19:57:00.000-07:00

If I ever find that right guy and get married, I would be an offbeat bride. There is an amazing website dedicated to women like me. I’m non traditional and I want that to be reflected in a wedding I may have. No Cinderella taffeta or doves and harpists for me. I want to have fun because it will be a celebration. A party of two people coming together along with friends and family. My aunts will be disappointed because they would want me to be a “Say Yes to the Dress” kind of bride. They will be upset when I tell them I will wear a comfortable dress not designed by Vera Wang. The groom will wear a suit, not a tuxedo. The bridesmaids only have to wear the same color scheme. They can whatever style dress they would like. No spending $300 on a dress they will never wear again. Rehearsal dinner would include karaoke, Rock Band and Guitar Hero as we munch on delicious tapas and drink red and white sangria. Izzes for those who don’t drink. It will fit my $5000 budget (the rest of the money would be towards a great honeymoon). I love the site to plan and imagine.

Single Girls Buying Flowers

2011-10-25T19:41:00.000-07:00

Tonight, I went grocery shopping to prepare for the pending snowstorm that was about to hit Colorado. As I entered the store, there was a large display of fresh cut flowers. A beautiful bouquet of purple mums caught my eye. I decided to treat myself and buy them instead of waiting to get them from a male suitor. We women usually put that aspect of our lives on hold, waiting for men to validate us with gifts of flowers, jewelry, or expensive perfume. Their gestures equate being cherished in our minds. The gifts get elevated and labeled for those who are paired off. But, we need to celebrate ourselves. Cherish who we are and lavish the love upon ourselves without waiting and putting that part of lives on hold. Yes, it is still nice to get it from men. But, it shouldn’t stop us if we are single. It doesn’t make us pathetic lonely spinsters. But, women who live life regardless. The flowers perked up my night as their beauty illuminated my apartment. We all need a touch of beauty in our everyday lives. And, a reminder how beautiful we are too.

Single Woman of the Week - Condoleezza Rice

2011-10-24T14:32:00.001-07:00

Starting a new weekly series – my favorite single woman of the week. The series is to highlight what I admire about her and how her life influences mine.

Condoleezza Rice had the envious job of traveling the world and bringing countries together through diplomacy. She interacted with heads of states as she represented the United States. Most men loved her iron fist in a velvet glove approach, showing that you can be strong and feminine as secretary of state. What I most admire about her is that she is a NMNC (never married no children) woman who lives life to the fullest (a lot of people don’t realize that she is accomplished pianist).

Many don’t agree with her politics but she remains steadfast with her beliefs which some women are afraid to do because of fear of being unpopular. She has a new memoir coming out soon where she gets candid about her days in Bush’s administration. It is getting buzz already which isn’t surprising especially since George W. Bush is one of our most controversial presidents.

Her life makes me want to travel more, learn about different cultures, and discover the other side of me that traveling brings to the surface. Being married with children makes it difficult to venture around the world unless you have a lot of money and time. Traveling is one of the advantages of being single. Yet, some women put that hold until they get married. But, they may discover that their new husband may prefer staying home. Regardless if you are married or single, there are different women’s travel groups that are available if you are afraid to travel alone. I’m used to traveling alone especially with my previous job. I learned new skills and I was proud that I got from here to there without getting extremely lost. You learn to fight through the loneliness, make new friends, eat amazing food, and see natural beauty that leaves you speechless. Like when I went to New Zealand and got to walk on black sand beaches.

Be bold like Condi whether is traveling, wearing the color red (her power color), going after that promotion or learning something new like the piano. Don’t put your life on hold because you are single. I know I won’t.

Never Married and Being Well Adjusted

2011-10-14T10:56:00.000-07:00

You have seen those studies that say married people are healthier than single people. Well, according to a new study shows those who have never married and over 40 are actually well adjusted. I know at times it may not seem like that when you are wanting a spouse. But, you are able to create a life that helps you to be well adjusted as you work through your emotions. Never married may be social stigma in some people's eyes. Especially when you go first dates with men. I always get the question, "Why haven't you married or had children?" My answer is that I didn't have the opportunity to. I don't think it was a satisfactory answer because they responded "if I were a divorced woman, I would have at least gotten married once". It is a judgment that says I'm not well adjusted and must have alot of issues. According to some of them, I'm the following (you fill in the blank, you have heard these before too) - too picky, high maintenance, career driven, too independent, man hater, gay, too masculine, etc. Some actually voice it while I'm trying to eat my sushi roll. It's funny how divorce used to be the social stigma and now being never married is. I guess these guys would prefer the baggage that comes along with divorce like an ex and shared custody with children. Maybe it more relatable because alot of them are in the same boat. When I find out that they are divorce, I don't judge them and say "Why did you break your marriage vow?" I figure they will tell me eventually tell me as something developed beyond a first date.

So, if you are never married, you are not a stigma. You are a wonderful person with alot of great qualities. Don't forget that. And, if that guy doesn't understand that and doesn't appreciate you for who you are, move on.

Single Parent Adoption

2011-10-14T09:27:00.000-07:00

Even though single parent adoption is not for me, here is a good article from Jane Ganahl if you are considering it.

Coming Out of Retirement

2011-10-14T09:00:00.000-07:00

I’m Brett Favre and coming out of retirement. I will be writing about singleness again. The burn out was so great that the mention of the S word caused the angry bitter woman to rear her ugly head. But, now after life changing surgery in August where it made me not able to have biological children, I had time to reflect what it means to be single, never married, no kids, and 40 years old. First time, I’m finally finding peace. Before surgery and most of my 30s, I sought out the husband because my biological window to get pregnant was closing. It became my mission to find “him” and I went on many online dates trying to find the “one”. But, it didn’t happen. Three broken relationships and no ring on my finger. I had to make a decision two years ago to move forward with surgery because my health was getting impacted.

After surgery, I thought I would be depressed. But, I feel free and healthier. It is amazing how long we put up with feeling bad physically. I did it because I was holding out hope that God would answer the prayer of marriage and family. Yet, it didn’t happen and I had to move forward. Now, when I hear pregnancy announcements and discussions about nurseries, I’m actually happy for these women. Before, I struggled with their joy because I was jealous of their experience. But, the surgery made me get very honest with myself and peel back the layers to see if I wanted really wanted to have baby or not. Honestly, if I wanted a baby, I could have been a single mother. Yet, I grew up in a single parent home and so did some of my cousins. I saw how hard it was to raise children alone even with the help of family. I’m not belittling the choices of my family members. They are good mothers. But, it is not the choice for me. I want the husband to help raise the children. Now, that I can’t have them biologically, I don’t feel the pressure anymore. My grandmother said a few weeks ago that I could adopt a baby. I said no, my view hasn’t change. No single motherhood for me.

Now that I’m healthier, I’m enjoying my single life. I’m reliving my 20s. Two weekends ago, I went to see Journey, Night Ranger, and Foreigner. I couldn’t have done this in my twenties because I wouldn’t have had the money. I have the disposable income to go to concerts, travel, buy presents for cousins, do things with friends, etc. I know I wouldn’t have been able to do things being married and having a family.

I don’t know what God has in store for my life. Marriage could still happen. A family could still happen by being someone’s step mother (step grandmother even!) But, my life won’t be less than if it doesn’t happen. I believe I finally smothered the angry bitter single woman. Being single can be hard sometimes. But, so is being married. So is being human. Marital status doesn’t make us exempt from difficulties just as being single doesn’t keep from being blessed and love. Love goes beyond just a spouse. Love from family, friends, and God fills in that gap.

Retiring Coloring Outside the Lines

2011-04-27T15:43:00.000-07:00

I'm saying goodbye to this blog. It has carried me a long way through my season of singleness. I'm still single but it no longer defines me or fuels my desire to write about it. My passion is food. It always has been but my energy went into surviving singleness. I hope you continue to read the blog because it has years worth of info. I will miss you all but hope you will follow my new blog - Colorado Foodie Girl

Good luck to all you single ladies. Hope you realize that life is not about having a ring on your finger. But, that you live life fully and passionately regardless if you are single or not.

Greenwoman Zine

2011-01-20T11:28:00.000-07:00

I wanted to introduce you to the zine created by my friend Sandra Knauf. It's called Greenwoman and it is great zine for all you gardening types. I met Sandy when I got chosen for the Colorado Voices contest through the Denver Post. As I've gotten to know her, I'm really impressed by her writing skills and her passion for gardening. I'm happy that I get to partake of her bounty through her home garden and her community garden plots with Pikes Peak Urban Gardens. It makes me support local produce growers more as well as having amazing veggies to cook with and eat.

So, read Greenwoman and enjoy!

Writer's Block

2010-12-07T16:31:00.000-07:00

Writer’s block has been plaguing me for the past year. Part of it is because my energy has been spent dealing with the toxic people in my life. You know them. Kin to the vampire – sucking you dry. Feasting on your vulnerabilities. It’s hard to deal with them at work when you need your job in this awful recession. But, it’s easier to end friendships and romantic relationships when you can walk away after months of crying and pleading for things to change. Sometimes, I wonder if I am magnet for these vampires. Why don’t I protect myself from them? Sniff out their blood thirsty habits in the beginning. Maybe I’m a sucker for the dysfunctional and downtrodden. Yet, in the end, all you end up is with a broken heart and wounds to carry into your next relationships.

What does this have to do with writing, you say? Everything. When you are so numb that you can’t pick up a pen or type one word because your mind is consumed with all the drama, it impacts your creative life. For some people, it is their fuel to write their passionate songs, stories, plays. I can’t even think straight let alone write something. But, I’m coming out of the fog with the help of Julia Cameron. Her books provide exercises like Morning Pages. Morning pages are similar to journaling except you write only three pages every day. Most people write more. It can be about anything in order to get the juices flowing. I also have been journaling again. It’s my cheap therapy – the cost of a pen and a lined spiral bound journal.

The goal is to push through the block and stop making excuses. It’s like Anne Lamott says, it’s about the shitty first draft. Just write and edit later. Yet, it’s the inner critic, the loud voice in my head that says I’m not a writer. Julia Cameron’s inner critic is named Nigel – a thin lipped mustached Brit who harps on every creative piece. Mine is named Perfect Jane. Perfect Jane always wants perfection. No room for mistakes. She is a drill sergeant in a dress. Looks innocence. Acts charming. But deceptively deadly, intimidating, and always tells me that I’m doing wrong. What’s your critic’s name and what does he/she/it look like? How do you slay the demon?

I'm a New England Patriots Fan

2010-11-19T15:05:00.000-07:00

During the 80’s, the San Francisco 49ers were my football team. I worshiped Joe Montana. When my aunt and her family got stationed in CA, my mom and I took a trip out to Sacramento to visit. Less than an hour north was a placed called Rocklin, home of the 49ers practice base. I got to see Montana in his glory throw beautiful passes to Jerry Rice. I was in football heaven. A loyal fan even after Montana’s retirement. I remember that day vividly. I was going to college in Oakland, CA at the time. Regular daytime programming was interrupted for Montana’s farewell press conference. Local news stations cut away to capture boys and grown men crying as their beloved hero was leaving the Bay Area. I felt the pain too. No more national championships. No more Super Bowl rings. End of an era. Yet, when Steve Young filled some mighty quarterback shoes, the 49ers went and won another Super Bowl. A few more years with my team. But, then a concussion forced Steve Young to retire and the dynasty was over. I’ve been without a team since. I tried to find one that matched up to the mighty red from SF. Nothing. Some showed promised. Others were inconsistent each season. I couldn’t commit. Like a disappointing first date, these boys couldn’t win my heart.

A friend of mine said “try the New England Patriots”. I said “no way. Don’t like Tom Brady.” Let me back up. The reason why I didn’t like Tom Brady wasn’t because of his lack of great QB skills. He had broken up with his pregnant girlfriend to be with his new supermodel girlfriend now wife, Gisele. It rubbed me the wrong way as a woman. So, when the Pats came on, I booed every time. I enjoyed their loss to the NY Giants in the Super Bowl, thus ending their almost perfect season. Yet, I have come around thanks to my friend. I have been convinced to give Mr. TB a break. There are plenty of men who done worse (a la Tiger Woods). I am now a Pats fan. I’m enjoying the rookies – Aaron Hernandez and Danny Woodhead. I have even joined the local Pats fan club. The Pats are close to building their own dynasty. With their 7-2 season now, they are poised to go to the playoffs. It’s nice to have a team again especially for a football fan like me. Go Pats!

Classic Country Music Fan

2010-11-17T15:58:00.000-07:00

I admit it. I’m a classic country music fan. I think the seeds were planted when I watched Hee Haw every Saturday afternoon as a child. Remember there was no cable in mid 70s. So, you watched what was on. I even watched Lawrence Welk. For us creative folk, we are told to step outside of our writing, acting, painting, and dancing box and get inspiration for something completely different. The myopic view can sometimes produce stale work. Listening to country music helps me think of story and how story is told. The songwriters wrote a lot of three minute dramas or memoirs. There is a good foundation of compelling emotion, intriguing storylines, and interesting resolution. A lot of humor too. My favorites are Loretta Lynn, Patsy Cline, and Dolly Parton. They grew up poor and they are proud of their roots. They are definitely what you see is what you get. In a world that props up plastic Barbie-like singers (Britney Spears, Miley Cyrus), I appreciate the backwoods Barbies (Dolly Parton song) who are more real underneath their glam and glitz. Not a fan of modern country music. Don’t like a lot of the crossover. When you hear Johnny Cash, Merle Haggard, and Conway Twitty, the twang is strong like it supposed to be. Give classic country music a try. You’ll be pleasantly surprised.

Getting My Writing Mojo Back

2010-11-11T11:11:00.000-07:00

Yes, I have been gone awhile. Exhausted by the topic of singleness. Tired from the daily battles of relationships, work, and friendships. Developed major writer’s block. It was hard to write words as I became paralyzed by cynicism, anger, and numbness from life circumstances. Writing used to be cathartic. But, it became a burden, something I could discard because it was too much to handle. Too much work. I had been blogging for years. Yet, I needed a blogging sabbatical to reexamine my life – spiritually, creatively, and emotionally because posts became infrequent then nothing at all. I’m glad to see that I still have readers of my old writings. Now, I feel the desire building up to blog again. Finding the courage and strength again after being beat up constantly the past two years. Some may call it bad luck. Others call it life. My fellow Christ followers would say it’s spiritual warfare. No matter what it was, I was ready to pack it in. Call it day. Give up. A person can only take so much hardship. I know that God gives you what you can handle. He must think I can handle a lot. Not true. I know that some of the most powerful writing comes from life’s hardships. I’m not there yet. Have to recover and heal first. Get my fierceness back.

So, needless to say, I’m back. Brushing off the dirt and mire. Ready to get back into the writing fray. I’ve missed it. Being gone was necessary. Glad to start the creative journey again.

Been Away

2009-09-25T22:18:00.000-07:00

I’ve been away. There is no excuse in the blogosphere for not posting unless it’s something major – illness, other life issues, etc. Nothing to that extreme. Well, I guess it is. Fellow writers can understand. The malady is called writer’s block. Plus singleness fatigue. There was a point that I got tired of writing about being single. And, bemoaning the fact that I was never a bride, always a bridesmate or at least wedding attendee. Now, it’s never a mom, always the friend to little kids. Dogs especially love me too. I have this fear that I will be the eccentric single woman with the large collection of dogs – various kinds, shapes, and sizes, keeping me company. Offering a needed companionship. So, I stopped writing about it so I wouldn’t seem like the snarky singleton that didn’t enjoy the blessings of her life. I needed a breather, a hiatus, a sabbatical from the blog so I could reflect without the pressure of writing it down. I haven’t stopped writing. My journal is full of many entries. Sometimes a lot of emotional rambling. But, hey, that’s what is for. Much cheaper than therapy. It also gave me time to reflect on my spiritual journey as well. It’s hard to believe that it was 12 years ago that I became a Christian. Where I was the evangelical poster child of new converts – eager to serve in church, buying tons of Christian music and book, touting the beliefs of conservative fundamentalism in order to fit into my new tribe. But, life has a way of turning you inside out and disappointing you left and right. As my evangelical friends enjoyed God’s blessings of spouse, child, beauty, money, and popularity of fitting in the church cliques, I was still the wayward girl who didn’t grow up that way. Who had befriended the outsider and the discarded because in many ways I related to them. Jesus Christ became real to me because he did the same thing. He defied the religious elite by hobnobbing with the unpopular, the sinners. Yet, every year as I got more “Christian”, I forgot about that. I no longer recognized myself in the effort to fit in the new group. I denied myself – the quirky, creative, sometimes out of the box thinker who saw the world differently. I was once on other side of fence and didn’t see it as evil. Still don’t. So, in the past few years, I have embraced that girl again which means it redefines my spiritual journey as well. I’ve been reading Brennan Manning, Anne Lamott, and Madeleine L’Engle and focusing on the mystery of God. A lot of things have happened in 12 years that have been difficult. It has shown me that God is mysterious and sometimes not understandable. It’s hard for me to be around people who know all the answers and know what God is up too. My faith isn’t like that. It’s been a long and winding road that I used to be ashamed of. Thinking that it made me less Christian. But, without doubt and questioning, my faith doesn’t grow. Both are needed. I have accepted this and it has taken me on a new spiritual exploration. I will keep you posted of my wanderings.

So, all this to say, is that I’m back. Ready to post again and share as honestly as possible. And, by the way, I’ve started kickboxing. Not the turbo gym kind. But, the gloves and heavy bags kind. Got in touch with my inner fighter chick. And, she is ready to kick to some butt. Probably will scare most single guys. But, I know there are some out there who are secure in the masculinity (hey, my instructor’s wife is a kickboxer and a mom).

Michael Jackson is dead at the age of 50

2009-06-26T07:50:00.001-07:00

Michael Jackson’s death was a shock to me. I heard it on the radio yesterday driving to a friend’s house for dinner. I had to call my mom to see if I heard the news correctly. Like Elvis’ death, you will remember where you were when you heard the news. Since his career has spanned nearly five decades, his music has impacted you on some level regardless of age, race, or gender. I was part of his solo career era with the albums Off the Wall, Thriller, and Bad. As a teenager of the 80’s, I remember being blown away by the Billie Jean and Thriller videos. He changed the music landscape forever. Those iconic songs and videos have made a lasting mark in pop culture history. He influenced so many. Like one music commentator said last night, without Michael Jackson, there would be no Justin Timberlake.

Michael Jackson broke racial and cultural barriers. Seeing a lot of the mourners from around the world shows how music can be bridge by bringing communities together. I enjoyed seeing the celebration amongst the tears. The dancing in the streets, the moon walking, the attempts to do his signature dance moves, and the Soul Train line down 125th street near the Apollo Theatre in Harlem.

His death marks the end of era. Despite all of his bizarre issues and brushes with the law, he was legendary. And, will continue to be long after.

Michael, we can never say goodbye to you.

What Movies Teach You About Life

2009-06-25T11:27:00.003-07:00

Here is a post from Surviving Dating.com about what movies teach us. It's funny.

During all police investigations it will be necessary to visit a strip joint at least once.

All beds have special L-shaped top sheets which reach up to armpit level on a woman but only to waist level on the man lying beside her.

It’s easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.

A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.

All women running away from a psychopathic axe murder, vampire, zombie or monster of some sort will fall down.

Large loft-style apartments in New York City are well within the price range of most people – whether they are employed or not.

Even when driving down a perfectly straight road it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.

At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil.

A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.

If you decide to start dancing in the street everyone you bump into will know all the steps.

Should you decide to defuse a bomb don’t worry which wire to cut. You will always choose the right one.

Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communications system of any invading alien society.

Extremely beautiful and intelligent women are likely to become prostitutes or welders.

It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts – your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.

When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your bedroom will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.

Police departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned to a partner who is their total opposite.

When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.

Radiation causes interesting mutations – not to your future children but to you, right there and then.

If you are blonde and pretty, it is possible to become a world expert on nuclear fission at the age of 22.

Honest and hard working policemen are traditionally gunned down three days before their retirement.

Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their archenemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gasses, lasers and man eating sharks which will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.

To be a German Army General, it is not necessary to speak German, but it IS necessary to speak English with a German accent.

When in a war, don’t show anyone a picture of your girlfriend, or you will be killed shortly, especially if she is beautiful.

If anyone relaxes next to a large window, they are sure to be thrown out of it shortly.

Adam Lambert Was Robbed But Still A Rock God

2009-05-21T09:17:00.004-07:00

Adam Lambert was robbed. But, I wasn’t surprised. America wasn’t ready for a confident rock god who wears guy liner and black nail polish to be the idol winner. The demographics of the show prove that safe wins over talent. Vanilla ice cream over 31 flavors. It can be hard to step out of your comfort zone to support someone who doesn’t look like you. But, when amazing talent gets penalized because of the package it comes in makes you wonder. Don’t get me wrong. Kris Allen is a good singer. But, mediocre and unforgettable. If he is smart, he will go the country pop route of Keith Urban. Kris would be able to carry the Idol momentum and get fans who didn’t watch the show. If he goes the pop route of a John Mayer, his career will fizzle because he doesn’t have the same talent.

It’s a blessing in disguise that Adam didn’t win. He doesn’t have to sing that awful “No Boundaries” song and will have more artistic and creative freedom. I will not be surprised to see him on the Broadway stage, touring around the world, and filling in for bands like Queen (he can fill the late Freddie Mercury’s shoes as he proved in the finale). Adam will outshine Kris. He doesn’t need the title to prove that he will be iconic and legendary. Even if you didn’t like Adam, you will never forget him.

I disagree with some of the comments that it was the Christians whose homophobia kept Adam from winning. It wasn’t just the Christians who didn’t vote for Adam. Yes, Kris and Danny Gokey are Christians and open about their beliefs. And, probably a lot of Christians voted for the both of them (the voted off Danny fans most likely voted for Kris). But, I am a Christian and I totally supported Adam Lambert from day one. Even at his auditions. I don’t believe in voting for someone just because he or she is a Christian. Adam’s talent won me over. What it says to me is that we Christians will accept mediocrity in order to show solidarity. Instead, we should be promoting high quality and excellence based on the talents that God has given. God doesn’t like mediocre. So, why should we? According to the Huffington Post, Kris Allen said earlier this week that he hoped the outcome wouldn't be decided by "having the Christian vote." Allen said, "I hope it has to do with your talent and the performance that you give and the package that you have. It's not about religion and all that kind of stuff."

As the Adam fans lick their wounds today and beyond, we will still support him. Kris Allen will have a Taylor Hicks career. Last night was a season two Ruben/Clay moment where in the end Clay Aiken got more media attention and platinum record sales than the idol winner Ruben. America can get it wrong. I appreciate Simon not standing up and clapping when Kris won. I love his candor and non PCness.

My favorite blog post of today was “Kris won American Idol. Adam won the world.” It’s so true.

Finding God as an Adult

2009-05-04T09:39:00.008-07:00

A new Pew study has found that some children who grew up without an unaffiliated religion chose to follow a religion as an adult. I am one of those statistics. I chose Protestant Christianity at the age of 27. Eleven years ago, I was searching for something beyond just facts and intellect. I shied away from Christianity because I thought it was made up of non-thinking people who went on feelings. But, as I encountered Jesus Christ, I found it wasn't true.

Over time, I have learned that the church and Christians are not perfect. By no means am I. I stumble and fall but I also know God's grace and his forgiveness. There is a movement now by some athetists who want blame the world's problems on religion. And, ignore the good that religion has done. It's easier to blame than to solve. You don't stop buying bread and going to the bread store if you got bought a moldly loaf. You accept that there are imperfections.

I'm grateful for my conversion. I don't regret it. There were times I wanted to walk away. I thought it would be easier. But, I couldn't walk away from God. He is the only stable and consitent thing in this crazy world.

This Is Why You're Fat

2009-03-10T14:08:00.000-07:00

Want to know why you get fat? Check this out.

Madea Goes to Jail Review

2009-03-05T13:54:00.003-07:00

Here is a good review of Madea Goes to Jail (ignore the snobby critics). Go see it! Fun laugh out loud entertainment with a good faith message about forgiveness.

Sometimes Internet Dating Works

2009-03-05T09:24:00.005-07:00

Have you heard those stories about people meeting the love of their life online? It happens. Not urban legends. I've been to three of those weddings. Anything is possible. For some, it's a numbers game. (I've been on so many dates, I've lost count. I still haven't met Mr. Wonderful). Or some find them right away (my friend only went on one bad date and met her husband on a date after that one). At times, I'm skeptical because I met one guy I thought could be the One. But, he turned out to be a control freak emotional baggage carrying immature man that it made wonder if the internet breeds them.

After this last break up, I've been on dating hiatus. Haven't decided if I will do online dating anymore. My friends say get back up on the horse and try again. Yet, that horse has been so dead that vultures are hovering overhead. I know God can answer my prayers for marriage. But, at times, the lure of taking it into my own hands is so strong. I've done it in the past with disastrous results. So, I have surrendered the desire to God. It hasn't been easy. But, I have saved alot of money since I'm not spending it on eHarmony, Match, or Christian Cafe. A part of me hopes to meet the guy the old fashion way - in person and not behind a computer. But who knows?

Susan Isaacs wrote about her online dating experience. It gives you eHarmony rejects hope.(Got accepted the first time. Wonder why?) God can do the impossible if it's His will for your life. And, that can be hard to swallow. I'm no longer fearful about my future. I don't see a life of loneliness if I don't marry. Relationships are not just husband and wife. There is a whole community of friends and family that you can embrace. Loneliness can exist within a marriage. So, I know it will not take away those feelings. Seeing marriage for what it truly is helps me when I go the umpteenth wedding of the year. The romance is beautiful but it's not always a bed of roses. There are thorns too.

I have to lean on God more. Especially when I don't understand. It's what He wants. To stop worshipping at the marriage altar and worship Him.

Putting Down Roots

2009-03-02T10:42:00.000-07:00

Putting down roots seems something from the past especially as our society is getting more transient. I made a decision after graduating from college to return home. It was supposed to be temporary as I explored what I really wanted to be when I grew up. The SF Bay Area was too expensive for a recent liberal arts graduate with not a lot of practical job experience. Home became the sanctuary where I could grapple with young adulthood and discover my place in this world. Yet, I never returned to California. I’ve been home now for twenty years. Some of my friends find it fascinating as they have moved to new places across the country. Some high school friends said that have escaped suburbia and will never come back. I used to feel that way. At times, I miss the diversity, cultural events and places, and the ocean. Yet, I’ve learned to grow content with my surroundings. Colorado Springs is growing. Ironically from the large exodus of Californians (ites?) that started back in the early 90s. The city has adapted to their tastes -providing trendy restaurants, plays, art galleries, etc. Yet, individuals can still buy affordable homes and not have to deal with the traffic, smog, crime, and the other negative things a city can bring.

Having family in the same town is comforting. It’s nice to have people who know you –flaws and all. And, being single with no kids, I get to participate in the raising of my younger cousins. It’s not all perfect. I know it’s the reason why a lot of people move far away. Yet, I was blessed to have my grandparents around. My grandfather died when I was 29 and my grandmother is still living. I see her and the rest of my family once a week.

I’ve been asked if I ever want to move. As I get older, the desire to be transient isn’t there. I realize that you have to make the best of where you live regardless if it’s your old hometown or a new place. I have seen friends move to other places thinking it would solve their problems. The sad thing is that baggage goes with you no matter what your address is. I’m learning contentment from God. It’s has hit home lately. I’ve looked to outside things – relationships, jobs, friendships, etc. for happiness. When you lose some of those things, you realize the only stable and consistent thing is God. Last year was a year of loss. This year is a year of new beginnings – new friends, new job, new goals (hope to buy house in 2 years). I will be laying down roots and finding ways to make my community stronger. There is no perfect place to live. Only heaven. Until then, we can make the best of these temporary places and spaces regardless where we live.

Good Samaritans Do Exist

2009-02-04T16:18:00.002-07:00

It’s amazing in this day and age that good Samaritans still exist. Saturday, I went to the movies with my mom and had my utilities bill with me to drop in the box afterwards. I had laid it on my jacket on the car floor. Being absent minded that day, I grabbed my jacket and headed into the movies. Not realizing that the envelope had fallen out of the car. When we returned to car two hours later, no green envelope in the car or outside the car. We search all around and even returned to my apartment to see if it had fallen out there. I also asked the parking attendant if anyone had given it to him. Nothing. So, I had to face the fact that I might become a victim of identity theft.

I prayed to God and asked for protection. And, prayed selfishly “please let it be a dumb criminal who took it and who can't figure out how to access my bank account”. I checked every day on my online account to see if there was any strange activity. But, today, prayer was answered. Answered in an unexpected way. Someone found the envelope and took it the utilities. The check posted today. I was shocked that the person didn’t take advantage of the situation and went the extra mile to drop it off. Especially when it wasn’t his or her bill. I told a friend about this and she said I need to pay it forward. I will figure out how to do so. So, thank you, whoever you are, for your integrity and goodness. It’s refreshing and shocking to know that people like you still exist. I’m so grateful. And, thank you God for answering my prayer.

You Found Me

2009-01-19T15:38:00.002-07:00

Listening to the Fray's new song, You Found Me, I realized how much it applied to God. The second half of 2008 was very difficult. I experienced the loss of two relationships - one romantic, the other one a friendship. At the time, it was hard to understand that the two people who said they cared about me became unyielding controlling individuals. No matter I how much I gave in the relationship, it was never enough. I became their punching bag for their deep seated issues. The easy target for their displaced anger. After months of allowing them to treat me poorly, I finally found the strength to protect myself and say no more. I had absorbed their blame and false accusations without question. Grace was not part of their vocabulary. I made mistakes with them. But, nothing I did deserved that kind of unfair treatment. I had tried to reach out and work things out. But, controlling people want things their way and not true resolution. So, I finally gave up and had to walk away. Causing the romantic relationship to completely end and the friendship to be in stalemate.

As the Fray sings, "lost and insecure, you found me. Lying on the floor, you found me", I realized that God allowed me to learn some difficult lessons through all of this. Despite being in a relationship with two unhealthy people, God was there. He found me broken and hurting and pulled me into His sanctuary. His refuge of healing. In this place, I'm learning why I choose the wrong people and how to choose better. Especially men in romantic relationships. Even though it has been very painful, God has taught me to be content with life and my singleness. Because being single is so so much better than being in a bad relationship. That has hit home even more so this time. No longer abstract theory but contentment that I've never really experienced before. I can be hard headed and God has finally broken through that thick skull of mine. He reminded me that I do have a support system of family and friends who love despite my flaws. Who have realistic expectations about our relationships. Not to say there are not conflicts. But, resolution happens. I've been praying for God to send me more safe people in my life and to sharpen my discernment to avoid the people with the steamer trunk of emotional baggage. We all have emotional baggage but it's how we choose to deal with it. Not use it as an excuse to hurt others when we ourselves are hurting.

The Fray's song helped me to appreciate the fresh starts that a new year brings. I don't have to worry about being lost and insecure on my own. I will always have God no matter what happens.

The Stigma of Being Single

2008-12-04T11:51:00.001-07:00

The comment that PA governor Ed Rendell made about recently appointed Director of Homeland Security, Janet Napolitano once again shows the misconception about singleness. He said that she was perfect for the job because she had no family and no life. And, she can devote 19-20 hours to it. He knows nothing about her life. If he did, he wouldn’t have made those comments.

I didn’t know that marriage and family = life and singleness = barren wasteland of existence regulated to workaholics. Being a single woman of a certain age, I wonder if other people think that about me. I’m not married, no children, not a homeowner. I guess I’m not an adult but in a perpetual post college state. I don’t spend 45 plus hours at work. I guess I don’t have a life if living is defined by martial status. I just have a life of travel, making plans with friends, spending time with my family, writing, ballroom dancing, working out, etc. Yes, I want to be married with children. But, until God orchestrates the circumstances to make that happen, my life will not be hold. And, I will not worship at the altar of work either.

It’s hard to be single when coupledom is celebrated in song, movies, books, church, TV, etc. Even dysfunctional coupledom is seen as better than being single. You feel the stigma when comments like the previous one are made. No wonder singles have to fight to feel worthy in a society that doesn’t accept that season in their life regardless if it ‘s temporary or for a lifetime. It used to bother me a lot because it’s usually the first question asked when someone hasn’t seen you for a while. Are you seeing someone? Aren’t you married yet? Why not? I don’t understand why people think it’s okay to be all up in your Koolaid especially when you don’t ask them questions like why don’t you have any kids yet. Or why did you gain all that weight?

Yes, I thought I would have been married by now. Obviously, it’s not God’s plan for the moment. He knows the desires of my heart. But, I don’t know if that prayer will be answered or not. If not, my life has not been wasted and I will continue to live it fully. I celebrate the certain aspects of being single. Changing jobs without any discussion with the husband. Flying off to New York City on a spontaneous weekend trip without worrying about finding babysitters. Going home to a quiet house after a stressful day. Sometimes, it can be lonely but I get love from friends and family. And, even God.

Life is what you make it. Janet Napolitano will not make a good director of Homeland Security because she is single. It’s because she can do the job. Just like Condoleezza Rice did hers as Secretary of State. She was qualified. Being a single woman just happened to be an additional asset.

Being Thankful

2008-12-03T09:26:00.002-07:00

It can be hard to be grateful when you are experiencing loss. You call out to God when the bottom has fallen out and you don’t understand why things are happening. But, in the midst of all the pain, confusion, and sadness, God is still there. Like faint candlelight in the darkness. It can be hard to pray and surrender especially when you are control freak like me. The illusion of security can be comforting on some level even though I’ve been kidding myself. Living in the land of denial has kept me from dealing with the real issues. But, pain has a way of extracting the junk and bringing it to the surface to be dealt with properly. We avoid pain like crazy. Yet, pain can bring clarity unlike nothing else. It shows me that regardless of what I have lost (a romantic relationship, a long-term friendship), my life is truly blessed. I have other friends who love me and new ones that have come into my life this year. My family has been there through the hard times and provided me with a soft place to fall. And, God continues to provide that sanctuary even when I have had faith struggles.

It has been a hard year spiritually to a point where I’ve been honest about my journey. So honest that some have misread it as me abandoning Christianity. I haven’t. I have explored and delved and taken apart these past ten years to discover what it really means to be a Christ follower. Through it all, I know my relationship with Jesus Christ is real. It may not come in a pretty package that some may be accustomed to. But, I’m not here to please man but to please God. I’m grateful for the people in my life that allow me to be real and honest without judgment. I’m not one of those people who have all the answers and whose faith is so black and white. It ebbs and flows but still exists.

I'm looking forward to a new year starting. It's like you get a fresh start. You reflect on the hard lessons learned from year before and hopefully not make the same mistakes again. I'm thankful for God's forgiveness as I have tried to do things on my own. I see that some of my decisions and choices aren't always the best. But, I'm learning. Thank goodness for grace.

Gratitude is hard. But, so necessary.

Married for the First Time After 40

2008-11-10T17:05:00.003-07:00

It's hard to maintain hope when I'm 37 and never married. I have friends who didn't get married for the first time until 41, 43, and 45. (Other friends who are on their fifth husband at the age of 45. Whole other story). Back in the 70's, there was a fifty-something family friend married to a 27 year old man. She was a cougar before the term got popular.

Sometimes you want to give up hope and say what's the point. But, with life expectancy increasing and 50 being the new 30, 40 being the new 20, there will be opportunity to get married for the first time.

According to USA Today, "analysis of Census records of Americans ages 45-55 shows that the percentage of those who said they had never been married in 2006 had doubled since 1990, and the percentage of those who were currently married had dropped by 9%. Internet dating has largely made it possible for many of these later-life first marriages. It's only in recent years that some sites have started monitoring that demographic. Among them is Yahoo Personals, based in Santa Clara, Calif., which reports a 33% increase from January 2006 to November 2007 among users ages 45 and over who say they have never been married. Since 2005, Match.com reports an increase of almost 10% of new members 45 and older and who have never been married; these now make up almost 14% of its members."

Getting married for the first time over 40 means that you will have to rethink dreams and plans. You may have to adopt or become a stepmother. You and your husband may decide not have any children especially if he has some from a previous marriage. Getting used to sharing a life. Sharing space. Sharing a bathroom. No more single living that you have gotten accustomed to over the years.

Marriage over all these years can happen. There is hope. I've seen proof.

The Bachelorette Deanna Pappas Breaks Up with Jesse

2008-11-04T16:26:00.004-07:00

In case you haven't heard. Another Bachelorette relationship bites the dust. This time, it's Deanna calling it off. Mr. Jesse is heartbroken as he didn't see it coming. She broke up with him at the airport as he was retrieving her bags.

I'll be honest. I watched some of the episodes. I'm not surprised.

British lad Matt broke it off with LA partyer Shayne in The Bachelor - London Calling. He was turned off about her LA ways and her acting ambitions. Even though, she told him that while he rejected one woman after the other. Maybe he thought love would conquer all.

The only relationship that has worked is Trista and Ryan. They are expecting their second baby and their marriage is going strong.

We like watching the fairy tale even though the odds of success are almost nil. We get sucked in and want to believe that love can be found. It can be. In the real world. Not reality TV. It requires taking the time to get to know a person especially when the infatuation honeymoon period goes away. You may find he really isn't a prince. But, a real guy with real flaws and good sides. Is that enough? Does he live up to your expectations? Can you work through the issues with him? According Jesse, Deanna didn't want to. I think the mating call of Hollywood was calling her name.

Single Girl Firsts

2008-11-04T16:17:00.005-07:00

As a single girl, the fear of doing things alone keeps most of us from doing certain things. Going out to dinner or the movies alone. Traveling alone. Yet, once you get past the fear, it’s very liberating. I know you think people are saying what a poor pathetic girl you are sitting alone in a restaurant. No man. No friends. No one. It’s not true. A lot of times they are more caught up in their conversation or blabbing into a cell to really pay attention.

Since I have had to travel for my past jobs, I’m used to the solo outing things. Eating a wonderful dinner at a restaurant with a good book. Candles, wine, and all. I’ve done it even in a relationship (especially when Mr. So Called Wonderful turns out to be a couch potato homebody – but that’s another story). And, some of my friends hate sushi. So instead of staying at home with another Lean Cuisine, I’ll go a dining.

Traveling alone is also an amazing experience. No arguing about where to go and what to see. Or said travel gal pal wanting to go to bed early on Friday night in New York City. New York City!!! The city meant to be explored all of hours of the night. The fun thing is that guys actually talk to you more. (No worries) about getting rejected in front of your friend. You sometimes get invited to eat at their table or invited to go dancing. But, no matter how tempting, being street-smart girl will save you in the end. I’ve traveled internationally alone. It was a great growth time and made me brave. I will be traveling that way again eventually.

The next thing for my single girl first is going to a concert alone. I will see Coldplay on November 21st. I’m so excited because every time they have come to Colorado, tickets sold out quickly. I was supposed to go with someone but it didn’t work out. Instead of missing my fave band of all time, I went online and clicked one ticket for purchase. Yes, it would be nice to experience the concert with someone. But if they don’t have the same love for Chris Martin, it’s better for you to revel his hyper dancing, piano banging, and creative self all by yourself. Not in a Eric Carmen depressive singing way but like Mr. Bon Jovi when he belts out It’s My Life.

"It's my life
And it's now or never
'Cause I ain't gonna live forever
I just want to live while I'm alive"

Like he said, your heart is an open highway. Don’t be afraid to live it. Make a list of single girl firsts and do them.

Songs That Put Me in a Good Mood

2008-10-30T14:07:00.002-07:00

We all have our life soundtracks. Soundtracks that reveal our moods and seasons of life. Music has always been cathartic especially when times have been difficult. Some songs just tell like it is in three minutes or less. Sums up perfectly what you are going through. Or the songs just make you downright happy.

The song that makes me happy today is Rock Me Gently by Andy Kim. This 70s tune was my favorite as a child. I used to roller skate alot. In my grandparents front yard with the boom box on the porch. I also went to the skating rink. Something about Mr. Kim's rockin innuendo puts me in a good mood. At work, I have a small CD player that plays the radio. I listen to an oldies station (60s, 70s, and 80s) all day. It's scary that 80's music is considered oldies now. But, hey, it will be 20th year high school reunion next year. How scary is that one?!

I will confess. I don't have an iPod or MP3 player. I know. I know. I live in the stone ages of still playing CDs and listening to commercial radio (don't have satellite radio either). But, I'm saving up for a iPod nano. I thought about the shuffle. But, I like looking at the CD covers and seeing the artist's name. So, I will be creating my mixes. Especially need one for the gym to get through the boring treadmill. I love mixes. Used to make my own back in the olden days with cassettes. I would sit next to the boom box with my recordable cassette player and hold the mic against the box speaker. I couldn't move for three minutes or you would hear background noises. I have ones where you can hear my family talking in the background. Those were the days. Now, it's all high tech. I'm getting there slowly. I will have the latest gadgets someday. My mom even has a Blackberry. But, music comes first over phone stuff. So, iPod here I come.

Sample of my other good mood songs (I'm a child of the 70s, what can I say)
Moonlight Feels Right - Starbuck
Take Your Time Do it Right - SOS Band
Magic - Olivia Netwon John
Dancing in the Moonlight - King Harvest

Making My Vote Heard

2008-10-30T13:11:00.001-07:00

I cast my vote today as part of early voting. No matter who wins, it will be a historical election. As an African American woman, I didn’t think I would see an African American presidential candidate have a good chance of winning in my lifetime. Even though we have come far as a country in terms of race, racism still exists. The crazies are coming to surface. More should surface in the next few days and coming weeks.

I’m glad to see people embracing the idea of change. Not just the political landscape, but the racial one too. I also know there is an underlying fear as well. If you are a status quo fan, then your cart will be upset no matter whom is the White House come January 2009. But, change needs to happen. We are tired as a nation.

My twin cousins turned 18 this past September. So, their first election will be historical for them too. I remember being able to vote for the first time. It is an honor and privilege since us black folk couldn’t vote until the 60s. Which is why I can’t understand why there are eight million unregistered African American voters. Apathy is a disease that needs to be eradicated from our community. Too many of ancestors were injured or killed so we can stand in lines to vote next Tuesday without fear or repercussion. At times, it may seem like our voice doesn’t make a difference. But, if six million believe the same and don’t vote next Tuesday, it will not make a difference. And, those voices shouldn’t complain either when nothing changes.

Vote November 4th. Don’t be apathetic.

The Ex Factor

2008-10-24T13:25:00.002-07:00

When you are dating a new guy and he’s says he is over his ex, just nod and watch how it plays out. I was dating a guy who said that he was over his ex and believed him because it was more than a year since the break up. But, now I know that time is an arbitrary number in the “getting over a break up” years. For some people, a year is sufficient. For others, they need at least a good five years. You, as the new woman, will not know the ex factor until you see how it affects your relationship. In my case, the ex factor sabotaged my relationship. He hadn’t gone through the stages of grief and was too emotionally wounded and afraid to open up his heart again.

If the guy has been in a long-term relationship or married for five years or more, realize that it will take a lot of grieving and healing time. Some guys are in denial and bury the pain by getting into a new relationship quickly. Nothing like a new love to distract him from pain. Yet, the newness fades and his emotional pain arises like a dam and breaks through. All those feelings about her floods out – anger, loss, sadness, fear, rejection, abandonment. It drowns your relationship because you as the new woman were not prepared. Things were great then he becomes distant, angry, and noncommunicative. He pushes you away because of his past pain and emotional cowardice.

So, ask questions in the beginning. Find out if the break up was amicable (good sign) or he calls her psycho or bitch (bad sign). See if he is still angry with her (bad sign). Don’t fall for his victim pity party. There are two sides to every story. He may accept responsibility for his part in the relationship ending (good sign). Or he may blame her (bad sign). It will help you decide if you should get involved any further with him or not.

Guard your heart. If you have doubts when he says, “he’s over her”, listen to your gut. You will only know if this true by allowing the relationship to go really slow. If he wants to rush things, RED FLAG. Usually means he doesn't like being single and wants a relationship badly. He needs a new woman to boost his sagging self-esteem. So, control the pace. Actions will speak louder than words as the relationship progresses. Otherwise, the ex factor makes you become the transitional girl. Then, you will find yourself heartbroken when he says he can’t handle being in a relationship with you due to his emotional pain and fear of getting hurt again. He will become emotionally unavailable and noncommittal to you.

No matter how it ended, make sure the past relationship has really ended with him emotionally. He will try to convince you that he is over it. But, remember, only time reveals the truth.

Forgiving Yourself

2008-10-20T11:25:00.001-07:00

Forgiving yourself requires you to admit your mistakes, learn valuable lessons from your poor choices, and surrender and let go of your self-doubts. Making poor choices in romantic relationships can be heart scarring to a point where you don’t know if you can risk love again. But, sadly it’s all part of the game. The key is learning how to play game correctly so you can make healthier relationship choices. First, allow the sadness and pain to flow so you can properly grieve. When you get to the acceptance stage, you will see where you went wrong. It usually comes from ignoring your gut, your intuition. Most guys are good at telling us what we want to hear in the beginning because they know it will win us over. If it sounds too good to be true, then test it. Allow the relationship to progress slowly and see if his talk is backed up by action. True character doesn’t come out until months down the road. So, if we get swept away by his false promises and heady declarations at the start, we will be too emotionally entangled when his true self comes out.

Time and slowness is the best way to determine if this man is worth giving your heart to. We have to love ourselves enough to say that we deserve to be treated well. To be honored and cherished. We don’t have to settle for less because we believe it’s all we can get. Yes, the dating world can be disheartening. But, we have to be happy with being single so we can make the right choices. If we don’t, it makes it harder and harder to see the prince amongst the frogs. Learn why you make bad choices and make a conscious effort to change. Any man will be lucky and blessed to have you in his life. He should accept your love as a gift. By going slow, you would have protected yourself in order to make it easier to leave if needed.

You are a princess and not the scullery maid. You deserve to feast at the grand table of love and not the crumbs.

How to Meet More Men

2008-10-17T08:11:00.002-07:00

I have female friends who have strict requirements on the men they want to date and eventually marry. Most of these guys don't exist because they are a composite of the fairy tale/soap opera/romance novel man. So, they don't give most real life guys a chance. They make excuses of why it couldn't work. Thus, they remain single and keep waiting for their soulmate, the "One" to show up. They are not open to possibilities and surprises.

If you are open to meeting more men, here is an excerpt from Mimi Tanner that will get the ball rolling:

How to shoot yourself in the foot when
it comes to meeting men.... by limiting
the number of men you will consider.

I've been sharing with you all the
reasons you should NOT limit
yourself - and should open yourself
up to men who are NOT the ones you
normally only consider as romantic
possibilities.

Will you broaden your definition of
your "type"? Will you start dating
men who are NOT your type? By doing
so, you are doing yourself the favor
that can literally change your destiny.

I'm not telling you to spend time with
men you are not attracted to - but I
am telling you to give more men a
fighting chance. Get to know them.

The last time I fell in love with
someone, we were acquaintances. I
admired him. It never occurred to me
that he was attractive. Most people
would say he was an ordinary guy.

A few months later, after spending
a lot of time with him, it hit me that
I was REALLY in love with him. And
REALLY attracted to him. And now
I'm attracted to anyone who reminds
me of him too. That is someone
who never would have been my "type"
necessarily.

Now back to you. Maybe you tell yourself,
I can only love a man who ..... (you
fill in the blanks). Well, that's nice,
but that CAN be something that limits
you too.

Making a requirement in advance is a
recipe for... well, being alone. And I'm
not knocking being alone. But we're
talking about falling in love here.

For example, I love theatre and have been
an avid reader of plays and a theatre-goer
all my life. I'd be thrilled to meet a man
who also appreciated the same plays I have
loved for so long. But if I made this an
absolute requirement of any man I would
consider having a relationship with, it
would cut the number ofeligible men by
a factor of about 1000! At least! I really
don't like those odds...

It would be silly to make a love of
theater - or any other interest - into a
personal requirement where men are
concerned. Women who do this are only
shooting themselves in the foot! The
idea is to have more men to choose from,
not fewer!

So while it would be very nice to meet a
man who shares your interest in one particular
thing, please do not go into love with a
hard and fast list of ultra-specific musts,
OR AT LEAST allow yourself to spend timw
with men who are not your ideal man.

Date them anyway...

- For dating practice

- Because they have friends you are likely to meet

- Because you will be seen as more desirable if you
date more (and youwill also feel more desirable)

This is important:

Men don't expect you to marry them just because
you date them, so don't worry. Go out and have a
good time, even if you already know he is not
"the one."

When you make the effort to include more and more
men in your circle of men, you are only benefitting
yourself, and them.

Yes, your soul mate is out there - but you don't
yet know what he looks like, sounds like, where
he lives, what he does for a living, or anything
else about him - yet.

Life is full of surprises. One of the most wonderful
surprises in life is meeting someone and falling in
love with the person you never expected to fall in
love with.

This can have the side benefit - which is huge - of
starting out as a friendship and growing into love
right under your nose, even if you are not consciously
aware of it as it unfolds.

When you consider dating any man, make sure that you
see the man behind the man - his best qualities,
and his potential. Sometimes it takes a while
before you really can see these things in a person.

Women Bloggers

2008-10-14T11:45:00.004-07:00

Here is an excerpt from Blog Her.com about women bloggers. Women bloggers are changing the face of blogging.

"'For the first time in my life, it was okay to be completely me at a conference: a woman, a mother of three, an entrepreneur, a writer, and a blogger," said Barbara Rozgonyi, BlogHer '07 attendee.

Today's woman (mom or not) is too busy changing her life, making room to Twitter, Flickr, or even "lick her iPhone," to slow down for old attitudes and old biases. Technology, as a tool for equipping women to improve our lives, is far too important to ignore. A new population of users is becoming early adopters, and we want a whole lot more than a "pink" version of a product.

Blogging and social media have created a new economy of personal publishers, many of whom want to bypass traditional media outlets altogether to create our own platforms, using Web 2.0 technology.

Blogging has provided a path for women to become DIY authors, technologists, and business people; we are entrepreneurs who are self-enabled by their use of technology. What could be more empowering than to grab your own corner of the Internet and grow your own business? Why wait for someone to invite you to contribute to a series such as this one, to a technology book, or to a conference?

Our fervent hope is that tech companies—from web application providers to electronics manufacturers—will reach out to women to find out how they can serve their primary customers, who are women of all ages, languages, and abilities, better. All they have to do is read our blogs.

We should talk about progress, and whether women are making it or not. We should also walk our talk: support women who are using blogs, using Web 2.0 technology to raise their voices, and to fund their passions. The marketplace is listening, even if technology companies or the IT industry isn't."

Becoming Geek Girl

2008-10-14T11:40:00.002-07:00

Lately, I’ve been exploring career changes. As a self-professed dilettante who didn’t go to college to get a job, the realities of single 30something life are hitting below the belt. With the economy in a state of flux, my current job skills keeps me at the poverty line. I’m stuck in a pink ghetto where my soft skills aren’t getting me the financially adequate jobs. I’m fortunate that I’m not part of the many laid off (or rightsized) people who find themselves having to rethink their career paths. As a communications major, I went the marketing/advertising route and now find myself being affected by the Internet as well as other comm majors who are print and broadcast journalists. Most businesses find that advertising in traditional media (newspapers, magazines, radio, TV) doesn’t get the same results as online advertising. Online advertising can be tracked and measured much more effectively. And, with ad budgets tightening, many businesses are rethinking marketing campaigns. So, I find myself needing to add hard skills to my current marketing skills. I’ve thought about changing careers completely like going in the recession proof fields like healthcare. But, giving shots, removing sutures, and changing bedpans doesn’t float my boat. I believe working in healthcare is a special calling and that phone isn’t ringing. I’ve considered law like paralegal training. Yet, the thought of researching law books, writing dry legal documents, and memorizing paint drying legal terms doesn’t push me in that direction.

So, I stepped back and stopped trying to fit my square self in the round hole. I prayed about it and got my answer in an email a few days ago. It said, are you looking for a career change? Of course, I said yes. It was an email from a company in which I subscribe to their newsletter. Since I’ve started blogging three years ago, I’ve kept up with the latest trends. It was from Search Engine College. Well, there is a career called search engine marketing (SEM). As more companies are turning to the Internet, they know that high rankings in Google, Yahoo, and MSN give them more exposure. There are people who are employed to get those rankings higher through non-paid advertising methods called organic ranking. It's a career that is in high demand because not a lot of people are trained in this skill set. Business schools don’t have it as part of their curriculum; so marketing majors have no clue of its existence. Most SEMs are self-taught. There is online training to teach the art and science of search engine optimization (SEO). I’ve learned the basic on my own through building my blog. It's funny that I'm a blogger when I was always afraid of technology. But, now as a self-taught geek, it’s exciting. Certain aspects of technology are not intimidating anymore.

SEM is calling my name and I’ve started the journey. I can still use my traditional marketing and media skills as well as my writing. I have an appointment next week about getting a certificate in web page development because SEMs need to know the techie side of web pages. I’m also exploring online SEM certification. In the past I would have been afraid, but soon I’ll be joining the girl geek club. Will be a proud member because I actually enjoy doing basic HTML coding. (I know but it keeps the cobwebs out of the cranial).

Excited about the new career direction. Better fit for me.

Why Online Dating Fails

2008-09-26T09:54:00.002-07:00

Interesting article on why online dating fails. For women, their expectations are too high. It's easy to get caught in the fantasy especially if the guy is good writer. He can make false promises, tell you things you want to hear, and create this image of himself that may not be true. You will only know the truth by taking the time to get to know him. See if his off screen personality really matches his on-screen one. Don't rush into a relationship based on your intimate emails. Keep the emails casual and try to meet in person after three to five emails. It's keeps you from creating the fantasy. When you do meet in person, ask those questions then to see how he responds. Nothing is more truth telling than tone of voice and body language. You don't have to interrogate but ask smart questions to determine if you want to continue to see him or not. Realize that he will be on best behavior (hopefully, been on some dates where that hasn't happened). And, only time will reveal his true self.

Look at time and slowness as your twin buddies. They will never fail you and will have your back in romantic relationships.

Effigy of Obama alarms George Fox campus

2008-09-25T12:55:00.003-07:00

Things change but still some things remain the same... What is disheartening is it happened at a Christian university.

Source: The Oregonian, written by Suzanne Pardington

Students and campus leaders at George Fox University denounced the hanging of a life-size cardboard cutout of U.S. Sen. Barack Obama on campus, vowing to work together to fight racism and intolerance.

A custodial crew at the 3,355-student Christian university found the Obama likeness hanging by fishing wire from a tree at 7 a.m. Tuesday and tore it down before students arrived for classes.

A sign taped to the cutout said, "Act Six reject," referring to a scholarship program for Portland students, many of whom are minorities.

President Robin Baker, standing with dozens of Act Six students and student leaders in front of a packed auditorium Wednesday morning, urged students to show the incident has no place in Christian ideals.

"We absolutely cannot hate those around us and say we love God," he said. "It is not possible.

"Yesterday was not a good example of what it means to follow Jesus," he said.

Quoting the Rev. Martin Luther King Jr. and Abraham Lincoln, Baker said the university has long had difficulties recruiting students of color, and his dream has been to help create a university that "more broadly represents the kingdom of God."

Students said they were shocked and angry when they learned of the stunt in an e-mail Wednesday morning. They said the incident was isolated and did not reflect the beliefs of students on the predominantly white campus.

"Obviously, it's not something you'd expect for a Christian campus," said Jared Rogers, a 21-year-old senior. "To me, it's completely inappropriate and ridiculous."

Baker said the incident was a blow to efforts over the past several years to recruit more diverse students by developing relationships with minority groups in Portland. This fall, 25 percent of the 390 freshmen are students of color, up from 16 percent in 2005.

The Act Six program, which started last year, provides full scholarships each year to as many as 10 students chosen for their leadership potential from Portland high schools.

"The reason we hadn't been successful at recruitment in the past is there wasn't a relationship," Baker said after his speech. "Those communities need to trust you, so this one incident could mess up our entire trust network."

The Obama image at George Fox is the third publicized incident on Oregon college campuses in the past year involving racist images hanging from trees.

At Oregon State University in Corvallis last fall, a noose was left hanging from a tree after a fraternity Halloween party. And at Reed College in Portland, a Halloween display last year included dummies, supposed to represent ghosts, hanging by nooses from trees on campus. In both incidents, students said they didn't intend the images to be racist.

At George Fox, Baker said he didn't know how to interpret the political connection to Obama. "We just thought it was a student making a comment about our efforts to recruit."

But the tone of the display brought underlying political and racial conflicts to the surface in a historic election involving the first African American presidential candidate from a major party. University leaders are planning a series of forums for students to discuss the issue.

The campus has a Republican student group but not an organized group of campus Democrats. John Archibald, chairman of the College Republicans, said in a statement that forming a Democratic group should be pursued "now more than ever."

"What happened on campus this week is disheartening to American politics," he said. "Regardless of your politics, this act of hate cannot be tolerated."

Katlyn Search, a 21-year-old senior from Battle Ground, Wash., who works as a custodian to help pay for college, said she was on the crew that found the cutout.

They took it down immediately, wanting to remove it before classes started at 7:40 a.m.

"I was offended for the Act Six students and for ourselves," she said.

A campus investigation is under way as part of the university's judicial process, and Newberg police have been notified.

Mitchell Whitehurst, whose son Cole Whitehurst is an Act Six scholarship recipient, said he drove to George Fox from Portland to hear the college president speak because he wanted to support his son and the school's other minority students.

Whitehurst, dean of students and athletic director at Jefferson High School, said students in the Act Six program have received a lot of leadership training since they arrived at school.

"This is an unbelievable early test for them," he said.

Whitehurst, who was one of a few African American students at Linfield College in nearby McMinnville, said his 19-year-old son is up to the challenge of confronting racism.

-- Noelle Crombie and Helen Jung of The Oregonian contributed to this story.

Letting Go of a Life Planned

2008-09-24T16:12:00.001-07:00

Letting go of a life planned is hard when you think you know what’s best. When life plans don’t work out, it’s hard to believe that God has your back. That He knows what is best. Surrendering all failed dreams is draining but freeing. Knowing that the cliché “this too shall pass” is true. It’s only temporary even though certain days weigh heavier than most.

I go to the doctor next week about a major reproductive decision. I may have to do cryotherapy for my fibroids. If she says I’m a candidate, my hopes of having biological children die. The only way I’ll be a mother is through adoption or becoming someone’s step mom. I waited to do things so called right. Waited for the man that would eventually be my husband and then father of our children. He hasn’t shown up yet. Currently, untangling from a dysfunctional relationship that has been emotionally detrimental. Been trying to get the man thing right before the father thing. But to no avail. As this is happening, my fibroids are getting bigger and affecting my life. My biological window is closing as the need to do something about them is more pressing than the failing relationship.

It’s a hard thing to face as most women think they will be able to have children. No fertile guarantees. Just a hope that all the puzzle pieces come together and voila husband, baby, family. That is not my life as of now. Don’t know if ever will be. Grieving has been hard because all of the emotions of disappointment, sadness, and loss swirl together in this fog. You function day to day – going to work, hanging out with friends, writing, working out. Yet, there is a black cloud looming overhead. Some people notice it. Others ignore it, hoping your Eeyore days are minimal.

It gets better. The sting is less and less each day I wake up. I cheer myself up by reading the blogs of Black travelers and expats. Living that wanderlust life I so crave. Visiting and living in other countries. I will get there some day. It’s a major goal. I can see it as one of the benefits of being single. I can be somewhat nomadic without the guilt of leaving a husband and children. Nothing is impossible.

As this year is coming to a close soon, I’ve learned a lot about myself. I’ve learned that love doesn’t have to hurt. That even though I have penchant of choosing the most deeply wounded men on the planet, there is hope for a healthy relationship. I know it exists and I will experience it. I deserve it. And, having a baby doesn’t equal motherhood. I can mother children that are not biologically mine and provide them with the love they need to thrive and grow.
My life may not being going in the direction that I like. But, it’s not horrible. Just strangely interesting minus the ordinary.

African American Travelers

2008-09-24T14:25:00.003-07:00

Since there is not alot of resources for the African American traveler especially those who travel abroad, here is some blogs that you will enjoy. Some are expats living in different countries around the world. One of these days, I will have a blog dedicated to my travels. I'll keep you posted.

Fly Brother
Black Girl in Prague
Adventures in Wheelville
Supa Dupa Fly Seoul Sister
Fabulous is a Choice
Shelby in Italia
Whitney's Big Adventure
Bisous From Paris
My So Called Life in France
Sista in Tokyo
Black Girl on Mars: Notes on a Life in Copenhagen
Black Travels
Farsighted Fly Girl
Black Expat
An American in London

Soundtrack for Disappointing Days

2008-09-18T08:13:00.003-07:00

You hear certain songs over and over. And, the lyrics don't impact you until you are experiencing those life lessons that the song references. It's been a trying and difficult past two months. Dealing with alot of disappointment and loss. I'm thought I got through the grief but it has comeback. I'm learning to let go and let God heal those wounded parts of my heart. The hard part is that with healing comes the pain. Like when you have a physical wound, it has to get clean out to prevent infection. When you pour on the alcohol, certain cuss words escape your mouth. But, it goes away and the pain eventually subsides underneath the nice protective scab.

Right now, the wound is still fresh and the cleaning is still happening. So, this morning when I heard the song "Ooh Child" by the Five Stairsteps, it made feel a little better.

Ooh-oo child, things are gonna get easier
Ooh-oo child, things'll get brighter
Ooh-oo child, things are gonna get easier
Ooh-oo child, things'll be brighter

Some day, yeah
We'll put it together and we'll get it all done
Some day
When your head is much lighter
Some day, yeah
We'll walk in the rays of a beautiful sun
Some day
When the world is much brighter

Ooh-oo child, things are gonna be easier
Ooh-oo child, things'll be brighter
Ooh-oo child, things are gonna be easier
Ooh-oo child, things'll be brighter

Some day, yeah
We'll put it together and we'll get it all done
Some day
When your head is much lighter
Some day, yeah
We'll walk in the rays of a beautiful sun
Some day
When the world is much brighter

Some day, some day, some day
We'll get it together and we'll get it all done
Some day
When your head is much lighter
Some day, some day, some day
We'll walk in the rays of a beautiful sun
Some day
When the world is much brighter

Ooh-oo child, things are gonna get easier
Ooh-oo child, things'll be brighter
Ooh-oo child, things are gonna get easier
Ooh-oo child, things'll be brighter

Right now
You just wait and see how things are gonna be
Right now...

Hope wrapped in a three minute package.

Help Me To Avoid Toxic Relationships Prayer

2008-09-17T09:54:00.002-07:00

Heavenly Father, I sometimes get into relationships
that are not good for me.
Please help me better discern how I relate to
the people in my life
and give me the wisdom to know when a relationship
is not giving you glory and is harmful to me.
Bring me courage to avoid toxic relationships
and help nurture what is good and just in all things.

Source: Maureen Pratt from "Peace in the Storm: Meditations on Chronic Pain and Illness"

A Single Woman's Prayer

2008-09-17T09:50:00.001-07:00

Now I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man who's not a creep.

One who's handsome, smart and strong,
Who's not afraid to admit when he is wrong.

One who thinks before he speaks.
When he promises to call, he doesn't wait six weeks.

I pray that he is gainfully employed,
Won't lose his cool when he's annoyed.

Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.

Oh send me a man who will make love to my mind.
Know what to say when I ask "How fat is my behind?"

One who'll make love till my body's a' itchin'
He brings ME a sandwich too, when he goes to the kitchen.

I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And never compare me to my best friend.

Thank you in advance and now I'll just wait,
For I know you will send him before it's too late.

Amen

Author Unknown

The Prodigal Daughter

2008-09-17T08:20:00.000-07:00

I’ve been the prodigal daughter. Trying to find my way in the world without my father. The spiritual burnout that I experienced several years ago culminated with me having to spend time away from church and Christians. Finding my way meant rediscovering what it meant to have a relationship with God. I needed to strip away all of the exterior things that defined being a Christian. To dig deep in order to find God at the center of the layers.

I realized that I had been angry with God as I saw him as the judging neglectful father that abandoned me in my time of need. I had made a decision that if he didn’t want me, I didn’t need him. So, I set off in the world and navigated it on my own. I see that it was the wrong decision, coming from my wounds. Seeking out lesser lovers instead of allowing God to love me unconditionally.

We all have our downfalls. The temptations that call our names and offer false promises. For some, it’s careers. Others it’s money. Mine is relationships. I believe the lie that a man can make me feel totally loved and worthy, beautiful and cherished. They can but only to a certain extent. A man’s flawed nature usually sets us women up for failure because his love may not be consistent. Or it may be mired with his own wounds and demons, causing to him to hurt us. I worship at that altar, offering sacrifices in the hopes that something amazing will happen. Like healing and wholeness. But, the thing about false gods is that they are false and empty. God is real and waiting with open arms.

There is something scary about stepping off into the vastness of God’s love. It requires trust and faith. But, when I want something tangible especially when it feels like the rug is being pulled from under me, I grasp for the tangible – some man. Only to see he is falling faster into the darkness than me. If I hold onto him as he falls, he takes me into a personal hell unlike I’ve ever experienced. God calls out my name but I ignore Him. But despite it all, God still offers a way out. I finally grasp onto Him as I emerge from the pit - bruised, dirty, broken, and regretful. I’m glad that God provides healing and grace for the romantic screw-ups I make.

As I deal with the pain of God healing the brokenness, His presence is comforting. It’s not easy. The tears flow as the emotional dam has burst. There are times I wonder if I will ever stop crying. But, I know I will. I will survive and know that God’s love is constant regardless of how my life will turn out. As a co-dependent, I’m learning to let go and surrender the outcome to God. Another person’s pain is not my responsibility. I have to concentrate on my healing so my woundedness doesn’t attract another wounded man. Love isn’t supposed to hurt.

I will remove prodigal from my name. My name is now is beloved cherished daughter. God has always known that. I’m discovering that for myself.

Finding My Spiritual Way Home

2008-09-12T15:17:00.002-07:00

It has been a year and a half since I’ve stepped foot in a church. And, it has been refreshing in the sense that I have reconnected to God on a deeper level. Minus the pressure of the followers trying to keep tally marks on my not so perfect life. I have redefined my spiritual walk. It no longer looks like the evangelical convert of eleven years ago. But, one of a battered and legalistic exhausted nomad finding her way home. Once I left the evangelical world (church, work, etc.), life has changed. Most of my friends are non-believers and I have no need to convert them. I can be their friend without an ulterior motive. I don’t worry about their souls perishing in hell. Not out of selfish but knowing that my pressure and four spiritual laws talk doesn’t guarantee another notch on the spiritual belt. I feel if the questions were to arise and they wanted to know my views, I would answer them then. It’s their free will to believe or not.

I no longer see God as the vindictive judgmental father keeping track of my sins. I can fully embrace His love for the first time in eleven years. Finally understanding that part of Him. I knew intellectually but not emotionally. You see, bad stuff kept happening to me after my conversion to Christianity. It was hard to reconcile a loving God allowing that to happen. It didn’t help that other Christians wanted to know what I did wrong a la Job’s friends. There were some years that I did curse God out of anger and a strong desire to walk away. I felt abandoned. But, in the darkness, there was always a pinprick of light shining. Like a candle flame. Letting me know no matter how dark, God was always there.

Most of my prayer time is early morning, the break of dawn when all is quiet and still. Or in the shower. Something about praying while getting clean restores me. Those times connect me to God more so than when I was church. Back then, I put on my church face and played along nicely so I wouldn’t get judged. I was the good Christian girl who was dying inside to be real and authentic. No longer dying. Feeling revived like a wilting flower getting watered.

I don’t care as much what people think as I did as my journey out of the evangelical world has shown me how God works in a bigger context. Outside of the Christian bubble. He is no longer in a box. Thank goodness. I don’t fault those who want to stay in the bubble. It’s safe in a scary world. But, for me, it was suffocating and I needed air to breathe. Breathing again has been wonderful. I’m grateful for the freedom.

New Blog Link - Run Girl Run!

2008-09-10T13:39:00.002-07:00

Here is the link to my new blog - Run Girl Run! - How to avoid toxic men in order to find healthy men for relationships

To find it is www.avoidingtoxicmen.blogspot.com

The blog will focus on how to avoid or get out of toxic relationships that are emotionally and/or verbally abusive. Most people are familiar with physical abuse but not be aware of emotional abuse. It is just as damaging and self-esteem killing even though the scars are internal.

How to Avoid Toxic Men

2008-09-10T09:39:00.003-07:00

Once again, I'm in a relationship with a deeply wounded man. Blindsided by his charm and romance. Fell for his false self. Now, experiencing his real self. A man who wasn't completely forthcoming about his issues in the beginning. In the process of breaking free. I had to get real with myself and see why I attract them and why I'm attracted to them. This relationship is identical to the one I had two years ago. Full of drama and his unhealthy issues that sabotages the relationship.

Through research and reading, I realized some of the reasons why this continues stems from unresolved childhood wounds. If I'm unhealthy, I will attract unhealthy. Simple as that. In order to be in a healthy relationship, I will have to do alot of reprogramming. I wasn't conscious of it but I see it now.

I will be starting a new blog soon to help other women like me. Don't want all of this research to go to waste. If I can help at least one woman run fast and run far away in the beginning from toxic men and to help her listen to her gut and not downplay the red flags, it would be worth it.

The new blog will be called Run Girl Run! - How to Avoid Toxic Men in order to Find Healthy Men for Relationships. Tentative categories will be men to avoid (passive aggressives, narcissists, charmers, angry men, commitmentphobes, etc), why we choose toxic men, types of relationship abuse, healthy relationships, getting help, and resources.

I will post a link once it's ready.

Savvy Auntie.com

2008-09-10T09:37:00.001-07:00

Just learned a new term today. PANK – Professional Aunts, No Kids. You don’t have to be an actual aunt. An aunt by choice such as being auntie to your best friend’s kid. There is a website dedicated to the PANK – Savvy Auntie.com.

Melanie Notkin, founder of SavvyAuntie.com says, “A few years ago, DINKs were the new segment marketers had their eye on - Double Income No Kids. PANKs, while focusing specifically on women (married, partnered or single) who have no kids, is a pretty large market in the US. In fact, the 2004 US Census Report on Fertility reported that 45% of women up to the age of 44 did not have kids. And that number has been steadily growing over the last couple of decades.”

I fall into that category of being 37 and childless. And, being an only child, I’m not an aunt by relation. But, being the oldest grandchild, I have cousins that span the age of 37 to 4 years old. I get to experience all aspects of childhood. Watching them develop from helpless babies to talking and walking toddlers to first day of school trials to roller coaster teen age years to the blossom of young adulthood. I watch their parents change and grow with each stage of parenthood. And, happily get to participate vicariously.

I have accepted the fact that I may not be a biological mother. Finding out this year that pregnancy would require major medical intervention was hard. Yet, I realized having my cousins in my life has helped with the baby/mama pangs. It’s one of the reasons why I stayed in my hometown instead of living elsewhere. Most people don’t see or participate in their extended families lives. It’s important to me as a single woman to have roots where it’s so easy to drift unanchored.

Cheers to the PANKs and Savvy Auntie.com! We can now show off our kids even they are someone’s else’s.

Traveling and Relationship Choices

2008-09-05T15:33:00.004-07:00

The itch has become unbearable. So much so that my skin is crawling and I want to jump right out of it. The itch is for travel. I have a nomad’s heart. A restlessness to visit other places and cultures different from my own. The travel bug bit me as a child. Every summer I couldn’t wait for road trips to relative’s houses in Arkansas or Louisiana. My aunt married an Air Force man so they were stationed in several states. More places for me to explore.

I was blessed to travel overseas for the first time four years ago. Work paid for trips to Australia, New Zealand, Singapore, Wales, Belgium, England, and Ireland. Dream places for free. But, my job changed and no more trips. I long to return to New Zealand. I had a soul tie to the Kiwi’s because of their hospitality, breathtaking scenic beauty, and sense of community being a population of only 4 million. I want to travel to Africa, the continent of my ancestors. Asia – China, Japan, Thailand. The rest of Europe – Italy, Spain, Greece, France. Canada and Mexico. Watched Globetrekker last night and Mauritius would be a fascinating trip. South America – Chile, Argentina, Peru, Brazil. So many places, so little money.

Not impossible but requires planning. The desire is to take a spiritual healing journey a la Elizabeth Gilbert in Eat Pray Love. A journey of healing from failed relationships. I find myself in another complicated one similar to one two years ago. Very much like the movie Groundhog Day. Same situation. Different man. Through self-exploration, I see that I attract passive aggressive men who come on strong and stable in the beginning. Only to reveal deep wounds that later sabotages the relationship. Issues that are hidden or downplayed when you meet them. You become blind to this romantic man who is in tune to your needs and shows you how much he cares unlike any man you’ve been with. They are very good at sweeping you off your feet. It’s disheartening because I have to accept my part in it. The man choices I make stems from childhood wounds that have not healed (believe me, I’ve done a lot of reading about this lately. I have co-dependency issues). With me not being 100% emotionally healthy, I attract unhealthy men. I have to work on me so I can be attracted to the healthy man. Relationships are complicated enough without having someone’s past baggage adding more weight.

Traveling is not to run away but deal with the buried junk. Sometimes a new environment helps to confront the dark demons. My demons are addicted to drama and bad behavior. I’m the girl who says, “He had a rough life. He is wounded. It’s okay for him to treat me badly because you just don’t understand him.” I need to be the girl who says, “He is healthy. He has worked through his issues. He treats me very well. I’m grateful.” I’m in the process of starving the demon. He doesn’t die every easily.

Until I can hit the road with my suitcase and map, I begin the journey of healing right here and now. It ‘s scarier than any trek around the world. It takes courage to say you are screwed up when comes to men and you need to make major changes so you don’t end up with more failed relationships. I accept my quest. Have to be brave.

Brave New Career World

2008-08-19T16:09:00.001-07:00

I’ve come to that place where I have to make career decisions. You see, I went to college to get educated and not to find a job. Like a renaissance dilettante, I took dance history, music history, art history, and writing classes. Nothing practical that would help me gain employment after graduation. My only saving grace was that my work-study jobs gave me the practical skills I needed to put on my resume. Employers didn’t care that I knew about 20th century American poetry or the racial contributions of dance from Josephine Baker. They wanted to know if I could type, fax, use a computer or answer a phone. So, my career path has zigged and zagged for fifteen years. I had the romantic notion that I would be a writer. A writer, I have become. But, not a full time one. One that has to have a job to pay the bills. I’ve worked in retail, advertising, marketing, publishing, child care, video production rental, etc. During this time, I honed my craft, submitted my work, got rejected up the wazoo, and finally got published. While in this creative world, my peers became managers, directors, and vice presidents. They found work that they are passionate about. Or they are real excited about the financial cash fall. I feel left behind as the starving writer. No titles behind my name. Only grateful that my student loans have been paid off. Have to admit there is some envy. But, I was never the career climbing type. The golden shackles of corporate America never lured me. I didn’t want to be 40 something, drowning in a mid life crisis and saying I wish I lived my life differently. I can say that the only straight career path I have followed was writing even though it has taken me to the edge of some cliffs.

Now, I’m considering going back to school. No masters programs. The thought of more loans makes me gag. But, to make my skills more marketable. It seems the world has changed from fifteen years ago. The recession has hit certain industries hard like manufacturing, financial services, real estate. And others are booming like health care. This is where I wish I had that gifting. There so many jobs open in healthcare and they can’t fill them. I guess high schoolers are too busy trying to get famous instead of seeing what opportunities exist for them. I’m considering grabbing the brass ring myself. Don’t worry. I’m not going to med school or becoming a nurse. Stomach too queasy. Thinking about getting a medical administrative assistant certificate. I’ve just want a job to pay the bills, give me cash to travel and write, put money in my 401K, and a quality of life that meant that I didn’t live at work. Yes, I'm a true Gen Xer. Don't laugh but I actually enjoy administrative work. It taps into my control freak organizational skills. I like working behind the scenes to make things work efficiently. Lately, I haven’t been challenged in my last coordinator or assistant jobs. Not enough work or projects to light my fire. I like the idea of working for a medical or dental practice because of the fast pace nature and the interaction with people. I watch those front office people scurrying and make things happen. Something that I love. Multitasking and juggle multiple projects is my thing. You have your thing. I have my thing. I like having my hair on fire and collapsing on the couch. Good work day.

So, Thursday I have an appointment with a local school to look at their evening certificate program. It can be done in six months. I’m ready for something new at this ripe old age of 37. Ready to leave marketing and venture into a new world. It will give me something to write about.

Stifled Creativity

2008-07-23T14:27:00.002-07:00

Lately, I’ve felt stifled creatively. Writer’s block that seems impenetrable. Nothing flowing. Words and ideas are hard to form. All I can do is write in my journal. Nothing has been inspiring lately. I think one of the reasons is that my energies have gone into a new relationship. As women, we have a tendency to discard everything to make it work with the new guy. I think because we are wired to be relationship oriented, our focus comes from there. In the honeymoon stage, it’s easy to fall into that trap. Bliss, fun, and newness surrounds us as we learn about each other. Alas, it doesn’t last. Suddenly, the illusion is shattered from the first misunderstanding or fight. And, the real person emerges. Decisions are being made if we can accept the flaws or not. What was on the verge of becoming solid is now a little shaky. Space is needed to deal with the humanness of both people. Time apart has happened and the question if the relationship will survive has entered our heads but not spoken aloud. It’s normal. According the therapists, it’s part of the stages of relationships. He and I still exist at the moment but not in the same shape and form like the beginning.

Now, this time part allows me to bring out what was put aside when the relationship started. It’s been my writing. I’ve been warring with my inner pragmatist and dreamer about writing for money or pleasure. Finding ways to do both. So, I need a creative immersion session and tap back in to the time where creativity was not measured in dollar bills. The time when I created for pleasure and not for critique. When I was younger (talking about school days), I used to write short stories, plays, poems, and scripts. I stopped when I took creative writing classes. It was before teachers and professors got hold of me and shaped my work. It was before I had to create to get the attention of editors for article assignments and a book deal. I’ve lost touch with the wonderment of creative free falling. I’m on the sidelines, stalled out and waiting for some kind of rescue. I’m not sure what it will look like. But, it’s desperately needed.

I’ve thought about doing another creative art form to stimulate my dulled senses. I’ve joined the gym and every Tuesday I take Zumba. Zumba is a high impact cardio class that incorporates Latin dance, Hip Hop, Broadway, and Asian Indian dance. For 45 minutes, I dance and don’t care whose watching or if the technique is correct. I’m free during that time. I’ve thought about taking an art class too since I’m not good at it. Or an acting class. Something to get the creative juices flowing again.

So, here is my cry - stifled creative girl seeking relief from writer’s block. Need stimulation and an injection of creative passion to rev up her heart and fingers to start writing again. I think the answers will come soon if only I get out of the way.

An Ideal Husband

2008-07-07T08:48:00.003-07:00

Maureen Dowd wrote an interesting op-ed column in the NY Times about an ideal husband. She reflected on the messy celebrity divorces that have hit the news recently. Christie Brinkley/Peter Cook. Now, A-Rod and his wife. And, possibly Madonna and Guy Richie.

The column mentions a priest who counsels on choosing an ideal husband. The things that women should know about their man prior to marriage. I agree with him. Hollywood paints this unrealistic idea about marriage. Love will conquer all and that is all you need. Practicality and basic information are brushed aside as non essentials. There are things that you should know before saying I do. It may not be romantic but it will save you alot of heartache. Most men don't change. And, a good woman will not change them. It is a fallacy even though alot of movies, TV shows, romance novels, and soap operas use that formula. It makes for drama and not real life. Changing the bad boy or the boy with baggage and issues usually doesn't happen.

Being in a relationship causes both people to grow as high expectations have to be thrown out of the window. It's learning how to be together as two flawed human beings that have different personalities, different ways of doing things, etc. For the better and the worse. Holding on when the bumps occur. Not bolting when things become difficult. Going beyond the infatuation to discover what genuine love is. That is the true happily ever after.

We, the Purple

2008-06-23T14:28:00.003-07:00

As we approach the upcoming presidential elections, the key voting states are not necessarily red or blue. It’s purple. The independent voting bloc. More independent voters have emerged since the polarizing 2004 elections.

Author Marcia Ford has written We, the Purple, which takes you in to the purple state of mind. If you want informative book on the independent voter, We the Purple is highly recommend. Somewhat misunderstood but soon to be highly courted, the independent voting bloc is getting bigger. Especially amongst evangelical Christians. Those who believe that God is not a Republican are speaking up more and finding like-minded people. Ford weaves in her story as she gives a face to the independent voters who are not easily defined. Some are liberal. Some are conservative. Christians to atheists. Common ground is that they rally around the issues that affect them and vote for candidates that will represent those issues regardless of party affiliation.

In recent years, I’ve become a convert too. I’m a centrist who believes that both parties can contribute to the good of the country once they move pass bipartisan bickering. One party is not absolutely correct in solving domestic and foreign issues.

Read We, the Purple if you are the lone independent in your group and want a cathartic read from an author who speaks your language. If you are a Democrat, Republican, Libertarian, or whatever, read We the Purple too. Learn what makes the independent voter tick. You may find that you have a lot in common.

Reproductively Challenged

2008-06-12T08:43:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, I had an ultrasound done to confirm that my fibroids have come back. I had an appointment with my new OB/GYN last week and she said that my uterus was extended (sign #1). She had scheduled the ultrasound to see how many fibroids we are dealing with. The sonographer found one large one and six small ones. I will find out the actual sizes and my options.

Four years ago, I had a myomectomy where they removed a large fibroid the size of a man’s fist and it weighed one pound. The surgery helped to keep my uterus in tact in case I wanted to get pregnant. So, I thought pregnancy would have happened by now. But, no such timing. Now, I’m facing the same options again. The doctor said if I want to get pregnant, I should do it soon. Not only because of the fibroids because of my age (37). It gets harder on the woman and the baby as you pass the age of 35. It’s not impossible but you enter into the realm of high risk. Pregnancy for me would mean the increase chances of miscarriage. Then, if I am able to carry, I would have to take maternity leave early to do bed rest, and get multiple tests to make sure the baby is developing correctly and my uterus is strong enough to carry. Then, the doctor would choose the delivery date and I would need a certain type of caesarian section to prevent uterine rupture and excessive bleeding.

I was asked last night would all of that be worth it. Risking my health to be a biological mother. I said the reason why I would consider it is because I know that most men would want biological children. I would be doing it for a husband that has not materialized yet. I’m putting his needs before mine without questioning should I be with a man who only wants me for my womb instead of me. He should be open to adopting if I couldn’t have babies. For years, I’ve grieved the fact that I may become one of those many women who can’t have children. I felt like damaged goods. Yet, for some reason, God is allowing this to happen. I know the tears of Hannah. Thankfully, she had an understanding husband. I have prayed for one too.

Even when I was young, I always had a heart for orphans. The idea of them not having a family always breaks my heart. No doubt that adoption is an option for me. But, I don’t want to do it alone. I know a lot of single women choosing that option. And, no judgment on their choice. For me, I want the whole package. The husband and the children. Being married to the understanding man that knows being a father doesn’t mean just add sperm to the egg and presto, his child. That being a father means raising a child to be the best he or she can be regardless of his blood coursing through their veins.

Happy Father’s Day to those men who are raising adoptive children. I admire you. I admire that you didn’t leave your wife when she couldn’t have babies or pressured her to jeopardize her health to give you blood children. I admire that you stand proud and say I’m his daddy. I’m her daddy.

Church Hiatus

2008-06-10T09:04:00.001-07:00

As I journey out of fundamentalism, I realized that I’m resolving some of the guilt that I used to have. One is that I’ve not attended a church for the past year. I’ve been on hiatus. You are always told (more likely, drilled into your brain) that you have to go to church to experience God. But, I never understood why God had to be confined into four walls. Then after reading Revolution by George Barna, it made more sense of the teaching. Some pastors drill because it is part of their livelihood that gets threatened if people did the alternative. It’s why there is not a lot of support for house churches. Barna got flack for reporting this revolution as some pastors believed he supported the church exodus. He only reported the facts. Barna found that those who didn’t attend a traditional church actually were more spiritually mature because they took it more seriously. They didn’t need anyone to tell them how to do it. They studied more, prayed more, fellowshipped more. No longer the lazy pew warmer waiting for someone to guide his or her every spiritual step.

To be honest, the church hiatus has been wonderful. It’s helped me to stop being an angry at certain Christians that had come into my life. Their hypocrisy had shaken me to the core. I found more grace and understanding from non-Christian friends. Less judgment. Sunday mornings, I spend time with God on long walks. Praying. Asking for guidance. Asking for help in the area of forgiveness. I feel closer to God than I had before. I know that I’ve been the prodigal for a while. Angry with God that certain things haven’t work out in my life. Ignoring the blessings and not saying thank you.

Things have been getting better. I have reconciled that I’m not the same girl who became a Christian at a Southern Baptist church 11 years ago on June 14th. And, it’s okay. I used to worry that I was not being the good Christian girl that everyone expected me to be. It doesn’t bother me anymore. I’m the flawed girl that is given a lot of grace by God. I don’t have to be the Proverbs 31 woman. Just a woman who loves God and accepts that love in return. My humanity can shine because I have removed the life-sucking thoughts that prevented me from sharing the imperfect side of myself. People want to see real. Not a fake who sounds and looks spiritually perfect. The world is no longer black and white anymore. I live in the gray areas. No longer giving quick pat answers but discovering the subtleties and seeing all sides of the story.

When you see me now and learn about my new spiritual journey, you may say that I’m not a Christian anymore. You are correct. I’m not a Christian based on your definition. It doesn’t matter. God knows my heart and belief.

Celebrating Sex and the City

2008-05-29T08:32:00.003-07:00

It's the eve of the most anticipated movie of the season. Sex and the City opens Friday. And, the female fans will be there in droves. Some women are making this an event. Dressing NYC style and having Cosmos before or after the movie. They will not care what the critics say. It’s not about Academy Award winning potential. It’s about celebrating the impact the show has on us women.

I didn’t become a fan until the show went to syndication. In my “no cable” stance, I missed its airing on HBO. But, now I’m totally hooked. I can watch episodes over and over and not get tired of them. Many culture critics despised the show because of their frank talk about sex and relationships. But, what they fail to see underneath those discussions, are four women trying to navigate the treacherous and often-comical world of thirtysomething dating. In a time where marriage is being delayed, divorce is prevalent, and male and female roles are still being defined in a 21st century way, Sex and the City offers a cathartic insight into that world. It lets you know that you are not alone with your relationship experiences. What makes the show so authentic is that they had a team of excellent women writers who brought their own life experiences to the screen. Like when Mike Burger broke up with Carrie using a Post It note. One of the writers said it really happened to her.

Sex and the City also celebrates female friendships. Where these women take the good and the bad of each other. A lot of us don’t have these types of friends. Some fans expressed their jealousy because they don't have women like this where they can discuss their relationship fears and joys. Men come and go. But, friendships are the emotional glue that women need to bring all pieces of their lives together.

Each character – Carrie, Miranda, Charlotte, and Samantha are a composite of the modern thirtysomething/fortysomething woman. At times, it can be exaggerated but often times it rings true. We can see ourselves in some of them or sometimes all of them. That we think we know what makes a relationship work only to sabotage it (Carrie and Aidan). Or we want the bad boy, thinking he will change and only to be left heartbroken when he doesn’t (Carrie and Mr. Big). How the man that is truly good for us usually doesn’t fit our idea of the perfect fantasy man. But, we are truly blown away by how amazing he is than some list or superficial criteria (Charlotte and Harry, Miranda and Steve). They showed that love can come unexpectedly (Samantha and Smith) and that relationships are never simple (the whole show).

I’m excited about seeing Sex and the City. I will see it Saturday afternoon. I will celebrate with the rest of the women around the country. I don’t care if the movie is good or bad. I miss seeing the girls. It will be a great reunion.

Silencing a Writer's Voice

2008-05-14T14:46:00.001-07:00

A fellow writer and friend has decided to stop her blog. She will write anonymously on another blog. She will be missed after four years of pouring out her raw soul. Her writing career has exploded, writing novels for various Christian publishers. But, the reality is that the Christian book market place is still conservative. There were some glimmers of change but nothing substantial. The ability to be real and raw while wrestling and praising God is not allowed in Christian book form. Even though Jacob and David did it in the Bible. Instead, the upkeep of a pristine world is more important than showing those who don’t believe in Jesus Christ the messiness and crap we Christ followers can experience. It doesn’t make Him less glorious. Yet, more real to know it’s about a Savior embracing His wounded and extending love and grace.

It breaks my heart to hear of one more voice stifled. It is why I had left the conservative and fundamentalist Christian church. Creativity is only accepted in the form of art that is unimaginative and doesn’t truly reflect the incredible gift that God has given. Ironically, creatives that are Catholic don’t have this secular and sacred chasm. They show the valleys in between. Flannery O’Connor, Graham Greene, Martin Scorcese. They show the suffering as well as the salvation and redemption.

I hope that she can find her free voice again. It’s sad that she has to hide behind a shield to protect herself. But, I have been there. It’s not a fun place to be when you speak your mind especially when it goes against the so-called norm. The judgment springs forth like a hidden dragon because you have rattled their comfort zones.

So, to all you creatives, be brave. Find a place where your voice can be heard and your talents can shine. And, that may mean outside of the CBA market. God can open doors anywhere if it’s His will.

Easier To Get Published Than To Find A Decent Man

2008-04-21T16:21:00.002-07:00

The last time I met with my writers group, I listened to my fellow writers bemoan the fact that they have not been published yet or they have rejected by a publisher once again. Why didn’t he (Mr. Magazine or Book Editor) like me? Why does this rejection keep happening? Will it ever happen? I told them yes, don’t give up, it’s a lesson in perseverance. Ironically, I just had another bad dating experience that week and had the same feelings. As I was contemplating giving up dating and joining the convent, I got the call. No, not from Mr. Right. From Mr. Newspaper Editor. (Actually, it was a she). She called to say that I was chosen to be a guest columnist for the Colorado Voices section of the Denver Post. Sixteen of us where chosen out of 400 entries. Each winner had to write 5 to 6 columns that will either be posted in the print or online version of the Denver Post. I attended a reception last Friday afternoon at the newsroom which was my first time there. We met some of the staff, the panel judges, and the current and past winners. It finally hit me when they said that our op-ed columns could be read by over 1 million people. I was blown away. Earlier that week, I gotten a paid writing assignment and finished another one for my local online newspaper. God had answered more prayers for my writing.

After the reception, I went to my favorite Italian restaurant in Denver to have a congratulatory dinner alone, priding myself that I didn’t need a man to wine and dine me. Sipping a glass of my favorite Cabernet and watching the other Friday date night couples, something hit me. It’s easier for me to get published than to find a decent man. It’s actually kind of funny because you go through the same thing in publishing as in dating. You pretty up your words, making them enticing, beautiful, and alluring so you can catch his attention. And, when he does, you’re elated. You hope he gives you a chance and doesn’t reject you right away. You have a good conversation. You’re thinking, “Hey this might work out”. Then, it happens. The standard line. He likes you but you and he are not a good fit. He loves what you have to say and how you say it. But, in the end, his publication is not looking for a long term relationship at the moment. You go home, drown your sorrows with your favorite pint (hopefully, it’s still Ben and Jerry’s Karamel Sutra and not Jack Daniels). You tell yourself “it’s his loss and he's missing out on your amazing writer self”, dry your tears, try not to lose hope and start the process all over again.

It took me ten years of getting serious about writing before the door opened. Now, that has, it has been easier for me to get published. I didn’t give up (there were times that I wanted to and did for a while). It was the desire of my heart since the age of seven to be a published writer. I didn’t surrender the desire to God until 2001. I let go and trusted Him. He has answered and given me some amazing writing experiences - co-authoring a book, interviewing and writing about the Oscar award winning producer of the Lord of the Rings trilogy, and now this cool thing with the Denver Post.

Yet, I admit I don’t have the same faith in God answering my prayer about marriage. I also admit that I haven’t surrender it either, mostly doing it in my own strength. I need to take my advice that I give to other writers - don’t give up, it’s a lesson in perseverance. I keep trying to blow the door down with dynamite and explosives and it stays closed. Closed door in the sense that I keep dating the men that start off normal. But, eventually the crazy, weird or the major relationship issue side comes out. No decent guys in the bunch. (My best friend said that I’m a crazy man magnet). With all of this, you would think I’d give up. But, no cause I’m thinking my efforts will make something happen. So, God lets me spin my wheels. He is waiting for me to say enough and am I ready to do it His way. Yeah, God - I am.

Surrender is a fascinating thing. It’s scary to let go of a desire - getting published, marriage, etc. But, I have to unclench my fingers and open my hands to God. Palms up and fingers together. If I trust Him, He will do amazing things. He doesn’t promise that He will answer all of my prayers. He wants me to trust him and accept the gifts that He gives. Usually, it’s better than anything I ever imagined. It may not seem like it at the time. But, He knows what is best.

Aging Gracefully

2008-03-27T08:20:00.001-07:00

I made it to 37 last night. At 9:26 p.m., I officially became that age. Even though it’s not a milestone birthday, it still causes you to stop and think about your life. It’s a strange place to be in because I have not experienced the seasons of life that others have. I don’t know what it is like to walk up an aisle in a wedding gown and declaring to God and family that I will stay married to this man for better or worse. I haven’t done it once, twice, or three times. Or getting pregnant and birthing a baby. One, two, or three of them. Or going to divorce court and having a judge declare that once said husband is no longer. I haven’t bought my first house yet or had a long term career.

From the outside looking in, some may see me in a perpetual state of post college. No major commitments. Having the ability to be flexible with work, travel, life. I didn’t image I would be here when I turned 37. I thought marriage and children would have happened at least seven years ago. But, it didn’t. And my whole concept of timing has been turned on its head. We humans are definitely about schedules and arranging certain parts of it to fit a life schedule. We try to make order of a life that can be chaotic and unpredictable. Yet, the life we dreamed of may not turn out the way we wanted it. I never imagined twenty years ago that twenty years later that I would still be in dating game. Trying to navigate it and not make it drama and neurotic filled. I never imagined that I would have to face some issues with fertility because most of the women in my family never had that problem. I never thought I would still have to be in a singles group in my late 30s while most of my friends married or married again.

Yet, being the control freak that I am, I have to learn to go with the flow and learn to enjoy the journey of unpredictability. To let go the need to schedule my life like a book where you know what is going to happen in each chapter. It is scary for me as my friends and family can attest to my planning abilities. Spontaneity freaks me out. I always have plan A, B, C, and D ready. I would have made a good boy scout. Always be prepared. I’m still a work in progress and I will have to be okay what that. I have not arrived. Most of us haven’t either. Journeys are never straight lines. I wish they were sometimes.

Joyce Maynard wrote a wonderful essay about being getting older. Which can be a kiss of death for some women. Instead of seeing that our beauty is aging like fine wine, we focus on on the grapes turning into wrinkled raisins. We women have so much to offer when we get older because we finally learn how to live in our skins. We start to lose some insecurities and start to realize that we can’t please everyone. I want to age gracefully. Get to a place where I believe that I am a wonderful created being without any question. Like I said, I’m still working on it. I will get there once I get myself out of the way.

Abstinence Plus Sex Education Should Be Taught Together

2008-03-20T15:57:00.004-07:00

With the latest statistics about the number of young women who have STDs, it concerns me that they are not practicing safe sex. I am believer of teaching abstinence plus sex education. I know that alot of conservative Christians don’t agree with me. But, I’m more concerned about the health of young women than appeasing a certain group.

If you want to practice abstinence, it is 100% effective. But, the problem is that many young people who have good intentions don’t keep their promise to wait. I remember a girl in college who was a Christian (I wasn’t) told me that she was waiting for marriage. I didn’t believe her. I knew that the pressure of college men (Christian and non-Christian) would make her think twice. By sophomore year, she was no longer a virgin. She justified it by saying that she and her boyfriend were getting married. They never married. She could have been a statistic because I know that she didn’t get sex education training at school or from her parents.

Do young people get penalized for changing their minds? Shouldn’t we equip them with the whole story instead of one part? Is a death sentence or lifetime of reproductive health problems the consequence they have face? I’m sorry. We live in a world now where sex is everywhere and it is not talked about truthfully. Mostly because young people are afraid to talk with their parents and vice versa. So, they engage in sex, thinking nothing will happen to them. It’s not just them. Adults are doing the same thing. It is complex situation that requires knowledge and that knowledge will help them make the right decisions.

I disagree with the staunch abstinence proponents who think you shouldn’t teach sex education and the staunch sex ed pundits who think you shouldn’t teach abstinence. Both are needed to keep the statistics down and unwanted pregnancies from happening. Abortion shouldn't be used as birth control. Not every girl will be like Juno and choose to give her baby up for adoption. The key is preventing it from happening in the first place.

Condoms do work. I hear alot of stats saying no. These days, if you are waiting to have sex until you get married, your future spouse may not have. So how do you handle that? Most guys don’t know that they are carrying STDs because of alot of them are symptom free. Or how about the spouse that cheats? You would hope that he used a condom for your sake. I think of the poor wives in Africa who get HIV from their husbands because they were told that condoms were not safe. Or African American women in the US whose rate of HIV and HPV infection is growing exponentially. Women who are all trusting and unaware.

It’s an health issue requires attention. It will requires all parties to engage to fight this war instead of fighting each other about who is right or wrong. Otherwise, we all lose in the end.

Happy Birthday to a Single Girl

2008-03-17T14:00:00.000-07:00

Another birthday is around the corner (March 26th). 37 - an age I can’t fathom. It’s not mid 30s or almost 40. But, it’s an age I’m learning to embrace. Even though I have no husband or children, I’m accepting my single status better. Still not easy but less desperation. My social calendar is filling up as I’ve joined several Meetup.com groups. If you are not familiar with Meetup.com, it’s a social networking site that has groups based on your interests and location. Knitting, photography, cooking, card playing, singles, stay at home moms. Mostly anything you want. It’s a free and a great way to meet people especially as your social circle diminishes as you become an older single. It’s hard to meet people socially. For some people, their social network starts at work. I wanted to go beyond that and find other like minded people. It’s been fun. Last week, I went to a cooking party where we did an European potluck. Each person had to pick an European country and make something. I had France and made an fig and olive tapenade with French bread. I brought a French Chardonnay as well. The group ranted and raved over my dish. Someone made paella which was amazing. I died and went to food heaven. I would have never met these people without this group.

It’s important to me to build a network as a single. Especially as my single friends continue to marry and leave. I know it’s not intentional. But, their focus as shifted to their new husband and it takes energy. They begin to hang out with other marrieds and stop being friends with their fellow singletons. (I guess they need a new group to relate to) And, if your group is small, you may be last single gal standing. I’m also grateful that I have my family too. Many people ask why I stay in Colorado Springs. My family is a big part of it. Being single and not have a support system is hard. I hear stories of friends moving away for another job and suddenly finding themselves lonely. I’ve decided to put down roots in the place I was born. It’s unusual in this transient time. Yet, there isn’t anywhere I would like to live at the moment. I love to travel but glad for my current home base. Plus, I’m spoiled. Can’t beat the fifteen minute commute to work.

I don’t know how long I will be single. It may be for a lifetime. But, it doesn’t mean that I can’t have fulfilling relationships. It doesn’t have to be with Prince Charming for my life to be content. God said it’s not good for man to be alone. Most bible literalists take it as God meant you be married. If that is so, why wasn’t Jesus married? Why did the apostle Paul speak of the benefits of singleness? I believe God didn’t want you to miss out on human relationships and community. Community goes beyond the husband/wife/children/dog. For us singles, our community is made of friends, family, and others who care about us. They help us to get through the good and the crap of life. To reminds us that we are not alone and we don’t have to do it alone.

So, I’m grateful that I’ve gotten another year of life. I’m looking forward to my 40s. To be honest, I hated my 20s and early 30s. Just a quivering mess of neurosis. But, I have survived. Battle scars and wounds to prove it. I can take it on the chin and get back up. Maybe a little bruised. But, ready for what life has to throw at me. It’s hasn’t been predictable and I don’t believe that will change as I get older. But, that’s okay. Keeps life from being boring.

Happy Birthday to Me!

American Idol's David Cook Singing Hello

2008-03-05T14:07:00.001-07:00

Last night American Idol performance from David Cook blew me away. It was 80s night and he chose to sing Lionel Richie’s Hello. I thought, “All the 80s songs to choose from, why that sappy pop tune?” I can still see the video with Lionel pining over a blind woman. But, David shut my mouth. With an electric guitar, his arrangement and modernization of the song gave me goose bumps. I could feel his words of longing and unrequited love. First time (in a long time) that a song actually made feel emotion. Made the geeky crossword loving David kinda of sexy. Like Randy Jackson said, Cook’s emo rendition could be hit. Simon Cowell said that Lionel would be proud. I agree.

Gang Memoirist Margaret B. Jones Exposed as Liar

2008-03-04T09:15:00.002-07:00

Another memoirist has been exposed. Margaret B. Jones wrote the critically acclaimed gang memoir, “Love and Consequences” about being a half white, half Native American girl growing up in tough streets of South Central LA. Tales of being a drug runner for the Bloods and growing up in an African American foster home. Ms. Jones, whose real name is Margaret Seltzer, grew up in the middle class suburbs of Sherman Oaks, CA with a mother and a father. No gang ties. No foster homes. No Native American blood. Ironically, her own sister ratted her out to the NY Times. And, now her publisher is recalling the books and canceling the book tour.

I thought that book publishers had learned their lesson with the James Frey scandal. According to the Times article, Seltzer’s editor said that in their three-year working relationship, Seltzer’s story never changed. I’m sure the editor will be fired. And, another publisher will be humiliated as they have to recoup their costs.

Is the need to be famous fueling writers like Seltzer? She said in the article that she wrote the memoir to give a voice to people whose voice is rarely heard. Fine. Then, say that these are stories based on the experiences of friends. Or write a novel. I don’t believe that her intentions were pure because she only fessed up when her fabrication was exposed. She planned on doing the book tour. She kept the advance. Probably would have scored the publishing’s world media holy grail - an interview with Oprah.

As a writer, I know the tension of being published and writing because you are compelled to write even if no one sees it. With some writers being hailed as rock stars or celebrities, it’s easy to fall into that temptation. Especially when some agent or publisher finds you in the obscure world of other wannabe writers and says your writing is up to snuff (even genius), calls their New York friends and paves the ways for a two book contract and a huge $100,000 advance. Making you the next literary “it” girl or guy. The next 15-minute media darling. Be honest. What writer doesn’t want that. You can quit the day job and bang out the next book without worrying about paying the bills. What separates you from writers like Seltzer is how badly do you want it. Do you want it so bad that you will lie to get it?

Obviously, Ms. Seltzer is a good writer. Critics have lavished praised based on the advanced copies they received. Even though, some questioned the truthfulness of her story. It’s too bad that her writing career will be tarnished. Yet, I don’t think we will see the last of her. Bad publicity has fueled alot of careers. Like James Frey, she should stick to fiction. She has proven that she has the chops. She fooled a major publishing house and even the NY Times.

Online Dating Rules for Men

2008-02-14T13:44:00.002-07:00

Did a little online dating again the past couple of months. Being in the online dating game for a while, I think the guys need some help. It will make life easier for you and less frustrating for women. And, maybe you can be one of those success stories that Match.com or eHarmony show on TV alot especially around Valentine’s Day. I know it’s a marketing plot to get you open up your wallets and dish out more money as one astute single woman blogger put it - “pay to play”. So, bear with me. I came up with these rules from my actual experiences.

Online Dating Rules for Men
1. Don’t go MIA if you are no longer interested. Just say so. A quick email that says I’m no longer interested or not that into you does the trick. You don’t have to explain but you’re welcome to. We women are more resilient than you know.
2. Don’t be a flake. If you’re going out of town or have a busy week, let us know. A quick email will do. We start to think that you are no longer interested (or dead in a ditch) if you stop emailing or calling us after you were consistent in the beginning.
3. Don’t be an email pen pal. The whole point of online dating is to eventually meet in person. If you continue to email more than five times, we will think that you don’t really want to meet us. Don’t hide behind a computer.
4. If a woman gives you her phone number, call her within a day or two. Don’t do the third day rule or one week rule. All it does is make us frustrated. You will not come across as desperate.
5. Don’t be a “talk” player - someone who says how beautiful we are or how lovely our smiles are and don’t move to the next step like wanting to meet in person. Be an action guy.
6. Put up a photo that really looks like you. Photos from five years ago and ten pounds lighter will just make you like ridiculous when we do meet you in person and you look nothing like him.
7. Don’t talk about your ex on a first date. It’s scary when we hear the whole sorted story of how your wife abandoned you and your kids and how you are (via a lawyer) making her move to the same city. Let us learn about it as we get to know you.
8. Don’t overdo it. Be yourself. Sending love e-cards everyday or spending over $100 on a huge bouquet of exotic flowers for the first date overwhelms a girl. And, don’t say you’re looking for your third wife right away either.
9. Don’t ask our body dimensions like what size are our breasts or butt on our first phone call. You will definitely not get a first date.
10. Don’t tell us stories about how a demon has been in your life since two years old and how this demon destroys everything good in your life. Especially when I tell you I don’t want to meet in person. It’s not the demon’s fault.
11. Nasty, put some clothes on (as Beyonce so aptly put in her song). Photos of you chest bare slinked against some car doesn’t do it for me. Or for most women.
12. Don’t be a mama’s boy. No woman will ask you to decide between you and your mama. If you are long distance and are not ready to make the journey to meet, don’t use “I haven’t even visited my mother this year” excuse. Just say “I don’t want to fly out and meet you” (even though I contacted you first knowing that you live in another state).
13. On our first date, don’t tell me how much you hate dogs and how you have to clean up their poop. Especially when the dog hasn’t done anything for you. I wonder what you think about babies.
14. Don’t talk about other girls you’ve met online on our first date. On how many you have gone out with and which one is your favorite one.
15. Don’t be a liar. If your ex is back in your life, say so. Don’t let us women find out when we are talking to you on the phone and we hear her in the background. But, you say she has no where to stay. Has she heard of hotels? Motel 6 has cheap rates.
16. Also don’t be a liar if you are a felon and spent time in jail. We’ll find out eventually.
17. Shame on you if you are married and online. There are websites especially for cheaters like you.
18. Separated is still married. Even though you don't live together, you're not divorced.

God is not a Republican or a Democrat

2008-02-14T12:31:00.001-07:00

As we are getting immersed in this political season, it’s fascinating to watch history being made in the Democratic party with an African American and a woman presidential candidate. I didn’t think it would happen in my lifetime. And, on the Republican side, their nominee will be a moderate. As a former fundamentalist Christian, I know the discussions are happening all over the community. I remember a former boss who was a Christian said that God was a Republican because He was pro-life and anti-homosexual. And, if you couldn’t be a Christian and a Democrat. I know that alot of Christians think that way. Yet, it doesn’t make sense the rest of the Christians who live around the world in their own political structures. It’s like saying that you are not a Christian unless you are White, American, Republican, pro life, pro democracy, and pro capitalism.

I was fortunate to travel overseas and meet Christians in various countries such as Australia, New Zealand, Singapore, and Ireland. I don’t question their beliefs because they don’t fall into a particular category. It’s not that black and white. And, I got an earful about the Americans’ arrogance in this area. We Americans take God Bless America literally as if God doesn’t bless other countries. Plus, we think we got the upper hand in Christianity as we continue to export American Christianity with our missionaries, books, music, etc. We forget to listen and hear their voices. We forgot to acknowledge that an Irish Christian or Kenyan Christian has something valid to bring to the table without obliterating their culture in order to make it fit an American Christian mold.

We have diversity in this country within American Christianity. Yet, not alot of those voices get heard. They get marginalized because they don’t have same structures and financial backing as the Religious Right. As we get closer to each parties final nominee, it shows that Americans are tired of the division. No more red state or blue state. But, the United States of America where you can agree to disagree and still live together.

God is not a Republican or a Democrat. He is not bound by the borders of a country or the ideology of one loud and vocal group. Thank goodness that He transcends all of that.

Happy Valentine's Day Singles

2008-02-14T09:18:00.002-07:00

Valentine’s Day - a difficult day for most singles. This year, I’m grateful that I’m not in a bad relationship. I’m remind myself that I’m loved from family and friends alike. And, some people don’t have that. Today’s focus is on romantic love. Yet, not everyone buys into the idea of spending money to show love. Love is expressed in many ways instead of just diamonds and roses. The encouragement from your mom when she knows your ready to give up on men. The teasing you get from your aunt about being overly excited (and near tears) when the NY Giants beat the Pats. Your favorite meal (red beans and rice) cooked by your grandma. The time spent together with another aunt as we watched redneck weddings on the CMT channel. Or a best friend that calls you from out of state to remind you of our long running relationship (20 years in the making). Lots of younger cousins who show what it means to have children and young adults in your life despite them not being your own children.

And, for those of you who provided feedback from my last post, thank you. I also saw something from Kevin Ferrazzi, the ultimate networker about being single means being in sales. He says, “We're all in sales. Do you want a raise or a promotion? You're in sales. Do you have a new idea at work? You're in sales. Are you single? You are DEFINITELY in sales. Even though I was a CMO at Deloitte and then Starwood (where I also led sales for awhile), in fact I was really terrible at applying this "sales" wisdom in bars when I was single. But the rules are the same, whether you're selling a house, the services of your start-up, or yourself: 1. Understand your product. That's you. Know who you are - your strengths, your weaknesses, your mission - and what you have to offer someone. 2. Know your target. Focus on the other person. Ask about his or her passions. Be sensitive to the other person's emotional temperament (wild, introverted, etc.) and tweak your conversational style accordingly. 3. Solve someone's problem. Be generous by introducing her to a person she would benefit from knowing or offering him advice on his struggles. If the problem is a dateless Friday night, cha-ching! Oh, yeah, if you're no longer single, you're also in sales! This is a great time of year to develop a little more "currency" with the one you love. Go overboard this year to remind her or him how much your relationship means to you! We're all in sales.” 

You may or may not agree with his statement. But, there is some truth to it. If you are single and dateless tonight, just remember it’s one day (Thank goodness!). Do something fun with the people who love you. Or do something special for yourself. If you are in couple, like Ferrazzi said, make sure you remind him or her how much love them. Not only today. But, every day.

Happy Valentine’s Day!

For the Flirting Impaired

2008-02-08T17:03:00.000-07:00

Lately, I’ve pondering on what introverts do to get dates. Thinking mostly in the female area since I am one. What do you do when are not the femme fatale? Do you have it work it to get male attention? Not necessarily blatant hoochie dressing-honey dripping from your voice working it. But, I think some flirting is needed. Is a basic smile and a “hi” just enough? Or do guys these days need to be knocked over the head?

For those of us who are flirting impaired, how do you learn? Women who know how to do it, it oozes from their pores. The average male notices (or maybe he smells the phermones). Put me in the same situation and I overanalyze everything. Should I say hi? What if he’s married or has a girlfriend? Wonder if he thinks I’m attractive? By that time, he’s gone. When I go to that neurotic nether region, I come across as disinterested. I’m too busy trying to get right. It’s hard to turn my brain off. The funny thing that with guys that I’m not interested in romantically, I’m can do the verbal banter. I can be funny, charming, and sometimes downright witty. They respond with platonic flirting. But, meeting a guy for the first time, I get paralyzed. I become this shy wallflower wilting at first glance.

Are we introverts doomed to be single? I know internet dating helps with breaking the ice over email and the phone before the actual date. But, my luck in that area has been bad. Had alot of dates. No special someone yet. I want to go back to the good old days when people actually met each other face to face first. But, I think I will need help in that arena.

Anyone know of any good “learn how to flirt” schools? Any women out there willing give this flirting impaired girl any tips? Guys, does it really matter?

No Longer a Christian Chameleon

2008-01-09T15:29:00.000-07:00

This summer, I took a break from God. Mostly God’s followers. I had stopped going to church. Stopped reading the Bible and praying. I was trying to figure what my spiritual journey really reflected. Most of it was spent in fragments. Fragments of a personality created to please people. I couldn’t be who I truly was because I knew that I wouldn’t be accepted. Rejection was the demon that chased me and told me that people wouldn’t love the true me. So, I became a spiritual chameleon. When I was around conservative Christians, I learned the lingo and spoke like a right winger. The Republican party would have loved me. Yet deep inside I knew it was a lie. I didn’t see the world as black and white as they did. I live in the gray area and the events of my life play out in that color. But, I kept my mouth shut, and shaped my opinions like there’s. I was so convincing that they wanted me to write about their topics or become a speaker. The lie had to stop. I jumped off the bandwagon into this other world. The one of the less conservative but still fundamentalist Christianity. These people were less legalistic. Watched rated R movies, listened to secular songs, and sent their kids to public school. But, there was still a judgmental tone to their talk. They upheld the Evangelical Christian culture and follow the rules of the land. And, made sure that you did too. When I listen to Justin Timberlake in my car with one of them, I can hear this disdain in her voice. They have to say something. They are upholders of the long moral list.

Most of my Christian life has been in these two worlds. Walking the tight rope to each side. Searching for acceptance. But, not really finding it. So, I got off. Burnout had come anyway from working with Christians everyday and seeing them on Sundays. When you buy into the Evangelical Christian thing, your world suddenly becomes consumed with all things Christian – music, books, TV programs, church, bumper stickers, etc. The culture is powerful and alluring. Yet, it became less alluring as I was drowning in the excess of culture instead of being overwhelmed by Christ. I watched as other Christians clawed, manipulated, and climbed their way to the top of Christian organizations or churches. All in the name of God. Justified behavior in their eyes since they got the prize. Didn’t matter that they treated people like crap. I watched other Christians become so consumed by what certain lyrics said or how certain movies would bring the downfall of society. All while children in our country were going to bed hungry and having no health care.

I couldn’t take it anymore. I was so close to walking away from Christianity completely. I was tired of the conservative view of women, the blame towards singles and my not wanting to worship marriage, the underlying racism that doesn’t get address, the lack of action for social justice issues, the embracing of the American Dream as God’s dream for our lives. Where was the Jesus I first met and fell in love with ten years ago? He was culture crushed out of me. I had to buy into the culture’s beliefs in order to fit in. Finally, I decided I didn’t want it anymore. After seven years of working in Christian organizations, I finally got a secular job. After months not going to church and deciding what to do spiritually, I’ve decided to go to a United Church of Christ church. As I am piecing back the fragments and rediscovering my true self, I’m discovering God again too. God has wired me certain ways. And, it’s not a bad thing. I don’t accept things for face value. I question them. I’m full of doubt most of the time. And, it doesn’t make me less of a Christian. I’m more like a Anne Lamott Christian. Somewhat subversive. Definitely not conservative. Absolutely not right wing. I like watching Sex and the City and listening to Justin Timberlake. And, I drink wine with my dinner or have a Pomegranate Martini when I’m out with friends. I don’t read CBA books and I’m not a fan of Contemporary Christian music. There’s more, but you get the point. All of this doesn’t diminish my relationship with God. I just might not be invited to certain churches. But that’s okay.

I will be writing more from this true place this year. You will see a different slant to my blog when it comes to Christianity. I’m ready to be real and come of out of the closet to say that “I am a progressive moderate Christian who believes in social justice.” I know I will lose some readers. That’s fine. I hope to gain some new ones too that are open to dialogue. Some will agree or disagree with my views. I’m ready for it.

American Gladiators

2008-01-08T11:31:00.000-07:00

I am a huge fan of American Gladiators. So, when I heard that NBC was bringing the show back, I was little kid excited. The show aired in the early 90s when I was in college. Needless to say, I scheduled my Saturdays around it. I love the David and Goliath aspect where ordinary people with athletic abilities compete against strong gladiators. I love that the Gladiator women and the women competing are not these frail waifs. But, strong women that kick butt. For competitive people like me, I get that vicarious adrenaline rush as I watch them compete in each event. What I also love about the show is that they provide back story about the competitors. You learn one woman is a single mother who sells toilet paper for a company and needs the money desperately. Yet, gets eliminated in the first event due to an injury. Or the guy who auditioned to be a Gladiator when it was on fifteen years and lost his spot when he got stuck in traffic. He got compete again this time on the competitor’s side. Sadly, he didn’t make to the final eight. These people are moms and dads, have ordinary jobs like firefighter and daycare worker. But, all have this fighting spirit and a need to show the world that they have the chops to survive. The prize is $100,000 and a chance to be a Gladiator next season. In the end, I think they will win more than that. They have proven they can take a beaten but can keep standing.

We all like rooting for the underdog, the little guy. We see ourselves in them. If they can do it, so can we. Everything seems possible with hard work, dedication, and perseverance. Not just with popularity as the media makes it seem today with all of the focus on celebrity (lately, celebrity downfall). You can be famous and worshipped for doing nothing (a la Paris Hilton). Many kids look up to people like her and want to be her. Life is easy breezy. Why do anything except club hop and bed hop? You get rewarded for having no talent.

We need more shows like American Gladiators to show kids and other adults the lives of ordinary Joes and Janes. And, how those ordinary lives can be extraordinary in their own way. Not superficial but lives of people who have meaning, heart, and purpose.

Happy New Year

2008-01-03T16:08:00.000-07:00

It’s the New Year again. A clean slate for a lot of us. A change to start over and wash the messes we may have created last year or get rid of the junk dumped on us. I really don’t make resolutions. I just make “I will try” statements. This year, I decided that I need to eat more veggies especially the leafy green kind. Since I don’t have the time to wolf down 5 to 7 servings, I started drinking Super Green Food formula. It is a powder mix by Garden of Life, a company created by Jordan Rubin of the Makers Diet fame. I’m supposed to drink 1 scoop in 8oz of water or juice. Let me tell you folks, it’s not the tastiest thing in the world. Tastes like a glass full of green veggies. But, it has all of these other “good for you” things that will keep me from gagging as I think of the long term benefits. Not only does it have the green veggies like spinach, kelp, cabbage, and broccoli, it has sea vegetables and grasses like barley, wheat grass. The formula is supposed to boost my immune system and help with my digestive health. I won’t give up. I’ll probably drink it with juice instead. I say to myself as I drink it down “it’s for my quality of life in my old age.” Want to be a hot 80 year old. Not a broke down one.

Remember how I said I was searching for yoga and Pilates DVD’s to stretch my broke down body? Well, being the cardio addict that I am, I succumbed to the temptation of Kathy Smith’s Cardio Knockout Workout. It has cardio kickboxing in which I’m a huge fan. I took it four years ago and absolutely loved it. Now, my intensity workout has increased. Yes, yes – you may have to plan intervention because it’s hard to let go of endorphins and heavy sweating.

This year will also be the start of a new job. It will be the first secular job I’ve had in seven years. I’m looking forward to it because I always enjoyed working with people who thought differently from me. The job will be a better fit as I discovered that I’m not a PR person. I’m more of a marketing one. And, just because I like to read books, working with books is a different thing. As I get older, I discovered that I’m a zig zag girl. Not afraid to go down different paths to find my way like changing jobs or careers. For some people, it’s unnerving. For me, it’s always an adventure. And, it will be my modus operandi the rest of my life. I have never been conventional. Straight lines are boring.

So as I drink my green veggie stuff, kick box, and work in the travel industry for 2008, I wish everyone a zig zag New Year. Don’t be afraid to try new things. Write that book. Take ballroom dance lessons. Go ice skating. Go back to school. Zig zagging is not for the faint of heart. Courage is needed.

Broke Down Body

2007-12-19T16:46:00.000-07:00

It’s happening. The body deterioration from age. I know. I know. I’ll only be 37 in March. Yet, I have notice the changes. I’m a high impact cardio and weight training kind of girl. The endorphins do get me high. So, getting me to a gym is no problem. I’ve started working out at home after work. I use the Firm videos which combine cardio with weight training to burn more fat. But lately, I feel like I’ve been hit by a truck when I’m done. The achiness in my bones and joints pushes me to the point to down some Advil. I’m even tempted to buy some Icy Hot. Sadly, my apartment only has a shower so hot baths are out of the question.

As I lay on my couch under blankets to alleviate my stiffness, I’m in denial. I say, "No, not me. It’s not time yet to peruse the aisles in Walgreens for ointment and heating pads". I thought that would be at least twenty years down the road. But, your body unlike your mind doesn’t know anything about denial. It speaks truth very loudly. Could it be that I have to stop doing hard impact exercise? It will be hard because I love to sweat with my heart pumping hard and muscles quivering from squat jumps and lunges. I am athlete, hear me roar. I’ve been athletic since childhood and haven’t stopped. I love the competition with others and myself to push all physical boundaries and get to the end goal.

Now, I will have to explore the world of yoga and Pilates. Nothing against this bunch but slow and methodical is not my thang. But, I’ve been doing reading. If I want to stop popping Advil, yoga and Pilates is my best bet to alleviate the pain. Flexibility will have to be my new mantra. I also have to find lower impact cardio and less intense weight training. After Christmas, I’m off to get some yoga videos.

So, don’t laugh when you see me doing downward facing dog. It will save my butt from using a walker by my next birthday.

Why Black Men Love White Women

2007-12-13T16:44:00.000-07:00

Why Black Men Love White Women is a provocative book that I will read next. An African American man wrote it as he studies the historical reasons of this phenomenon. Ask most African American women about this topic and you’ll get a heated discussion. Speaking for myself, I believe there are various reasons for the anger and lack of support from us.

1. We are not considered the epitome of beauty. Most magazine covers, movies, and TV shows don’t reflect the diversity of beauty. There are some exceptions. Tyra Banks. Halle Berry. But, even in this day and age, it’s not the norm. A lot of us feel invisible and seeing a brother with a white woman draped on his arm confirms that feeling.

2. There are not enough eligible black men to date and marry that are in the same economic and education levels. Not only do have to compete with other black women, adding the white women to the equation just made it harder especially for black women who prefer to be with black men.

3. When black women do decide to date outside their race, it’s a double standard. Having being in several interracial relationships myself, some black men wanted to know why I was being a traitor or don’t I know my history (they mean, slave history where many white slave masters raped the slave women). Words spoken as they sat with their white girlfriends or wives. It was okay for them to venture out but we women were required to keep the race pure. Quite ironic.

4. Black women are given the following labels – intimidating, loud, angry, opinionated, emasculating, independent, outspoken, gold digger, bossy, etc. So-called traits that some men don’t want as they look for a mate. Having a discussion with my male cousins who date white women, they say that white women are not those things and it makes the relationship easier. Funny, I have met white women who were intimidating, loud, and bossy (some of them the mates of the black men I know). Yet, for some reason, it didn’t bother them. Maybe it is more palatable when she has long blond hair and a skinny body.

Frantz Fanon was an essayist and psychoanalyst from Martinique that wrote about the effects of colonization. Author Rajen Persaud writes about him in the book and says, “Frantz Fanon, in describing the feeling of the black man's peculiar inferiority complex, says, ‘Out of the blackest part of my soul, across the zebra striping of my mind, surges this desire to be suddenly white. I wish to be acknowledged not as black but as white.... Who but a white woman can do this for me? By loving me she proves that I am worthy of white love. I am loved like a white man.... I marry white culture, white beauty, white whiteness. When my restless hands caress those white breasts, they grasp white civilization and dignity and make them mine.’”

It’s a fascinating subject that requires deep historical study which Persaud provides. Read his book if you want to join in on the conversation that will not stop being controversial.

Watch NBC Nightly News Tonight about the State of African American Women

2007-11-28T10:14:00.000-07:00

NBC Nightly News is doing a special series on the state of African American women this week. Tonight, they will feature clips from the documentary Soulmate that I wrote about a while back. The topic tonight tries to address why 42.3% of African American women have never been married.

Here is the press release from the producer, Andrea Wiley:

For Immediate Release
November 28, 2007

Contact:
Clean Heart Productions
323-816-3027

"SOULMATE" DOCUMENTARY TO BE FEATURED ON NBC NIGHTLY NEWS

Clips from the Award-Winning Documentary To Air on NBC Nightly News' Five Part Series on African American Women

LOS ANGELES, CA (Clean Heart Productions) - The documentary film, SOULMATE, will be featured on NBC Nightly News with Brian Williams on Wednesday, November 28, 2007, in their five part series, 'African American Women: Where They Stand.' Rehema Ellis will look at the relationships of African American women. Many agree the gender disparity in education and business among African-Americans is having an effect on relationships that African American women have. Some even say the implications could redefine 'Black America's family and social structure.' In the past fifty years, the percentage of African-American women between 25-54 who have never been married, has doubled from 20% to 40%, compared to just 16% of white women.

"I am encouraged that NBC Nightly News has chosen to provide a national platform for these critical issues facing African American women. In truth, these issues affect all Americans," states SOULMATE director, Andrea Wiley, a married mother of two sons.

SOULMATE recently received the award for Best Documentary at the International Black Film Festival of Nashville, making this its 7th film festival award. The film has also received both the Audience Choice and Best Feature Film Awards at the African-American Women in Cinema Film Festival in New York, the Audience Choice Award at the Sweet Auburn International Film Festival in Atlanta, GA and took home the Best Documentary Awards at the Hollywood Black Film Festival in Beverly Hills, CA, the San Francisco Christian Film Festival and the Urban Vestige Film Festival in New York City.

In addition to the film festival circuit, SOULMATE has been sweeping the globe with home screenings and church screenings in Nigeria, London, the Caribbean and renowned singles ministries such as Dr. Fred Prices' Crenshaw Christian Center, T.D. Jakes' Potter's House, Bishop Eddie Long's New Birth Missionary Baptist Church and Rev. Dr. Cynthia Hale's Ray Of Hope Christian Church.

"I believe that SOULMATE has become such an impacting change agent in this culture because people can relate to the women and men in the film. Their candor and transparency invite you into their hearts and give you permission to be honest about the experiences, emotions and fears you tend not to share with others," states Wiley.

SOULMATE explores the fact that 42.3% of Black American women have never been married and examines the challenges resulting from prolonged singleness and how this phenomenon arose within Black American culture. The film also offers practical advice on such issues as loneliness, the biological clock, the desire for sexual intimacy and the HIV/AIDS epidemic. This deeply personal journey offers glimpses into the trials and triumphs of the lives of accomplished, professional Black women who are finding purpose while single. Additionally, the film profiles Black women who married after age 40 and shares their journeys to the altar.

View the trailer and purchase SOULMATE at www.soulmatefilm.com

ABOUT ANDREA WILEY

Andrea Wiley has enjoyed successful careers in both corporate and entertainment industries. As an acclaimed television writer/producer and screenwriter, she has amassed a body of work that includes numerous high profile network comedy series', including "The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air," starring Will Smith, "The Parent Hood," "The Jamie Foxx Show," "The Steve Harvey Show," "Malcolm and Eddie" and most recently, "The Parkers," starring Mo'nique, on which she served as the Executive Producer. Wiley, inspired by God, left sitcom writing to write, direct and produce the award-winning documentary, Soulmate, and has formed her own Los Angeles production company, Clean Heart Productions. Wiley has appeared on The Word Network, CBN's 700 Club, TLN's Aspiring Women and national radio shows such as The Michael Baisden Show. Soulmate has been featured in JET Magazine, Today's Black Woman, Gospel Today, Upscale, The Baltimore Sun Times, Rolling Out Magazine, and many more.

A Quiz to Help Choose the Next President

2007-11-15T14:19:00.000-07:00

Here is a quiz to help you choose the next president. With so many candidates, it's hard to know where they stand and whom to choose. This quiz will help based on the issues that are important to you and the candidates that support them. Regardless whom you choose, make sure you vote. Your voice counts and it's a right that we need to stop taking for granted.
http://glassbooth.org/

Intimidating Single Women

2007-11-14T10:06:00.000-07:00

There was a study done that showed that when men choose women to date, they lean towards looks more than smarts. Not that they wanted a dumb girl. But, someone who wasn’t smarter than them. The speed dating episode on Sex and the City confirms their findings. When asked what she did for a living, Miranda said that she was a lawyer trying to make partner. The guys would lose interest. She realized this and then said she was a flight attendant. She got picked numerous times.

When I’m dating, I have to make those decisions as well. Sadly, in the 21st century, I didn’t think I would have to. On the first date, I don’t tell the guy that I have traveled to Australia, New Zealand, and parts of Europe alone, published a book, was a media manager, and went to a women’s college. I talk in generalities until I see where the date is going. I know my life can be intimidating to most men. I can’t imagine the lives of single women with PHDs, JDs, or MDs behind their names. Their dating life must be nil or false as they pretend to be someone else to get the guy to like them.

According to the study that was in a NY Times article, “When women were the ones choosing, the more intelligence and ambition the men had, the better. So, yes, the stereotypes appear to be true: We males are a gender of fragile egos in search of a pretty face and are threatened by brains or success that exceeds our own.” But, I know it doesn’t exist across the board. I’ve seen a lot of accomplished women get married or be in a relationship. I want to ask them why their husbands or boyfriends didn’t get intimidated. Are they a rare breed? What makes that man more secure than the others? My friend has her Masters in Divinity and is a captain in the Air Force Reserves. Her husband only has his high school diploma. It didn’t stop him from marrying her.

The thing is that I can’t pretend to be something that I’m not. God has opened doors for me and allowed me to experience some amazing things. I’ve been able to live two of my dreams – international travel and being a published writer. It’s sad that the gifts given by my heavenly father are seen as liabilities when it comes to finding a mate. I don’t regret my experiences at all. I’ve been truly blessed.

Happy Second Birthday, Coloring Outside the Lines!

2007-11-13T17:12:00.000-07:00

I can't believe that it's year two of my blog. Maintaining a blog is something I never imaged doing especially being somewhat a tech phobe. But, it has been fun reading the comments from readers. Learning how to become more honest in my writing. And, having a place for my voice amongst the millions in the blogosphere.

Here's to more years!

I Need A Man

2007-11-12T15:45:00.001-07:00

A woman my aunt knows recently got divorced. Like many other recently singled, she has jumped on the online dating bandwagon. She is ready for another long term relationship, despite not taking the time to heal. She said that if it took twelve marriages to get it right, she would do it because she doesn’t like being alone. My cousin’s friend mom has the same issue. She gets a new boyfriend right away, follows the new man, and takes her children out of school and puts them into a new one. Another woman I know is the middle of a separation and has a new man to help with certain urges.

I guess I don’t understand what it means to be that so centered where my life revolves around him. I would like a nice guy in my life now. But, I don't need one. So, it’s hard to watch these women needing male validation so desperately that they miss the warning signs. I’m not knocking them because I was desperate last year, getting involved with a man that gave off warning signs like sparklers on the Fourth of July. But, I thought I could handle them. Turned out to be a horrible relationship. Yet, I broke it off. Lesson learned – it’s so better to be single (or dare I say the word “alone”) than be with certain men.

I’ve been single most of my adult life. I was never those femme fatale girls that always had a boyfriend. I think I was more picky than the average Jane. It has always been more famine than feast and I’ve learned to survive during the lean years. Maybe it’s because I’m only child that I learned to embrace solitude since I didn’t have siblings. Or maybe because my mother was never man centered. As a single mom, she dated but never to extent that we packed our bags and moved in with Charlie or Bill in a two bedroom rancher across the country. She had a fulfilled life with the men as the icing, not the cake. She didn’t act less than because she wasn’t paired up. And, she wasn’t one of the mothers getting on my case that I wasn’t dating. This is good now that I’m older. No pressure from her about marriage and kids like some of my single friends. The funny thing is that she is more optimistic in that area than me, telling me to keep hope alive because she has faith that it will happen.

I guess it’s difficult not to be man centered. From the church to movies to songs, women get the pressure to be coupled up. You get underlying messages that something is wrong with you if you don’t have a man. You get rewarded when you find the guy and eventually marry him instead how you strengthen your Christ walk. Yet, it’s that validation from Christ that is priority. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not knocking marriage. I’m all for good marriages. But, when we women seek validation only from men, we will never be happy because we seek wholeness in him instead of our Heavenly Father. Even women in good marriages admit that they still don’t feel totally validated from their husbands. It’s not surprising when we get taught that our love comes horizontally than vertical first.

The Stigma of Being Single

2007-11-08T12:09:00.000-07:00

I had a discussion with a married man this morning about the need for a magazine dedicated to Christian singles. He thought the concept was weird. Of course, I had to defend us singles and find out where the guy was coming from. He wanted to know why because according to him, there were no secular singles magazines. I said that the secular mags are good about integrating content geared towards singles and marrieds. Some mags more on the married than single side and vice versa. The Christian living mags really don’t. There are some articles but not a lot.

He said when he was single, he didn’t like being labeled single and therefore didn’t attend singles groups. I said do you have a problem being labeled a “husband” and “father”. He said no. I said it’s because the single label is still a stigma in the church. Being married and having children is acceptable. As for groups, I asked if he attended a couples group or a marrieds with kids group. He said yes. I asked why were those groups okay and the singles group wasn’t? He pondered it.

He didn’t realize that the Christian singles population of thirty somethings and beyond is growing. More divorces are happening. The never marrieds pop has increased as well. I think he didn’t know this because he doesn’t have a lot of single friends in his age group. He was single back in his early 20s where most singles hang out in the college/career group. It's not labeled the “singles” group. But, it’s obvious based on who attends. That group has a big "acceptable" label because it’s assumed that you will be married by 30. Yet, current trends are proving this false.

A lot of people don’t understand us singles of a certain age. Why do we need anything geared towards us? Shouldn’t we be using our energy to find a spouse instead of reading singles magazines? And, what would a whole singles magazine talk about anyway? Well, dating and relationships, finances, careers, friendships, family dynamics, single parenting, following Christ, etc. Things that are discussed and examined from a single person’s point of view. Just like when he reads his men’s magazines or a magazine about raising newborns. It’s nice that there is content for the different stages of life. One stage is not better than the other. I guess the single stage is one that should remain the shadows according to some married people. But, I refuse to be quiet. I’m proud to be single. Yes, it’s hard certain days and rewarding other days. But, it doesn’t make me less than. I have a good role model – Jesus Christ. Just waiting for the day when they will ask why he wasn’t married.

Losing Ten Pounds

2007-11-05T12:13:00.001-07:00

I talked with a friend about her upcoming birthday. I confessed that my last birthday was difficult because I had crossed the 35 threshold, meaning that I was now closer to 40. No turning back. I was in the category of late thirties. Another friend of the same age had the same problem. I joked that 37 shouldn’t be as traumatic since we had a whole year to deal with it. Our main issue was we were still single and childless. Yet, this friend said she was upset that this birthday meant she was five to ten pounds heavier. By the way, she is married and childless.

I’m amazed by how weight still imprisons us women. I don’t know if we will ever be satisfied with our current numbers. There is some arbitrary number that equals happiness. Yet, if we were 100 pounds, 5’7” and zero percent body fat, we would still be unhappy. I had lost 40 pounds several years ago and thought that my life would miraculously change. You know, become ultra fabulous like a new man in my life, better job, etc. Ironically, I actually met more guys when I was heavier than thinner. I think my all-consuming issue with my weight and keeping it off probably made me less approachable. There’s nothing like a hungry girl depriving herself of chocolate that screams “keep away”. Life becomes a daily rollercoaster ride where your self esteem is based on the numbers on the scale. Food is no longer enjoyable. Heavy guilt trips hit you when eat a chocolate chip cookie. I’m constantly reading labels and calculating how much exercise I need to burn off a piece of cake.

So, it’s a constant mind battle. Trying to do the daily mantra of “you are beautiful as is” (even though you gained back 15 lbs.) The part of getting older is accepting that I don’t have the metabolism of a teenager anymore. I can’t eat anything and not suffer the consequences later. I’m doing the 80/20 rule – eating 80% healthy and 20% unhealthy. It helps. I exercise 4 to 5 times a week. Not just to maintain weight loss but because the endorphins are addictive and I feel healthier. I’m learning to see my body as a whole and not in parts. Yes, I would love to have stick-thin thighs. But, God created me with muscular ones. I also have what you call strong birthing hips. And, those may come in handy someday if I ever have a child.

I wish I had Queen Latifah’s self confidence. In last week’s People magazine cover story, she proudly announced to the world that she is 200 pounds and beautiful. Beauty comes in many different packages. A belief that other cultures like the Europeans and Africans propagate. Curves used to be a sign of fertility and wealth. Now, stick thin is symbolic of wealth since you have the money to get the fat suck out and tucked. As women, we need to fight back especially for our health sake. We need to be more worried about breast cancer and heart disease than a little jiggle on our inner thighs. I know it’s not an easy battle to fight. I fight it constantly.

So, a birthday gift that I will give to my friend and other female friends is a reminder that they are beautiful just the way they are. Just as God made them. And, He doesn’t make mistakes.

World Voice News is a Phishing Scam

2007-11-02T09:05:00.000-07:00

Warning to all you writers, editors, and other job seekers. If you get an email from World Voice News, it is a scam. Don't fill out their online application or your email will be spammed.

Ode to ex boyfriends

2007-10-31T15:30:00.000-07:00

Ex boyfriends – the annoying gnats in your floundering love life. They serve a purpose like when spiders eat mosquitoes. Helpful and scary at the same time. They remind you to never settle and accept that you can’t change a person. I think they have some type of vulnerability radar. Mine popped up the beginning of this year. Right when I had been on my umpteenth horrible date and wondered if I would find that special someone. He called and left a message on my cell phone. An easy breezy one as if nothing happened. As if it was one of our nightly phone calls just to talk about our day. It caught me off guard especially after I had told him to never call me again. Yet, a side of me almost wanted him back. It would be easier than what I was experiencing then. Just as I contemplated calling him back, my head jumped in. It reminded me that my relationship had more bad times than good. I’m glad that I didn’t cave in. Yes, he has called a couple times since then and finally I had to yell at him to stop calling. It was un Christ like, I know. But, he was borderline phone stalking.

My friend has an ex that is calling again too. She said that she sounded cold so he would get the hint to stop calling. But, I heard the same vulnerability in her voice. The one that says “you should take what you can get especially when you don’t have guys banging down your door or tripping over themselves to get you at a bar.” It’s hard when you are in your thirties facing another birthday single and childless. It’s hard when you miss the companionship even though it was dysfunctional. He pushed her buttons, sounding as if he had a changed and wouldn’t take her for granted anymore. But, I told her it’s not about you, it’s about his loneliness and not able to find a woman to put up with his stuff like you did.

We both watch other people pair off like Noah’s Ark, effortlessly and less drama. Maybe it’s an illusion. Especially when some couples admit their problems. But, you would never know as they hold hands and call each other “Baby”.

I’m still on my dating hiatus. Haven’t been on one since January. And, to be honest, I really don’t miss it. I didn’t want to get so cynical that I would miss out on love if did happen. For some of us, the game is harder than it used to be. No problems finding dates in college. Standards were a little lack (must like Roxy Music, be a melancholy writer, and loves talking over coffee). Yet, the world is different now fifteen years later and full of near misses. Just read an article in O Magazine about finding love later in life. The twice divorced writer was amazed when her 90-year-old mother called to tell her that she was dating a younger man (an 85 year old). So, she tracked down other in-their-prime lovebirds and discovered that for some of them, their relationships were much better. Didn’t have to worry about having kids, the career getting in the way, trying to stay a size 0 or have huge pecs. Requirements changed to fit their season of life. Main thing was companionship. So, it gives me hope. I told my mom I would meet my guy at the nursing home the rate it was going. I promised to wheel her down the aisle at my little chapel wedding.

So, here’s to ex boyfriends. Thanks for letting us see that we really deserve better. And, waiting for it is much much better than being in a bad relationship.

The Will of God

2007-10-26T12:53:00.000-07:00

Last weekend, I saw Elizabeth: The Golden Age. Let me tell you, Clive Owen was looking very hot on the big screen. But, I digress. The sequel is about King Phillip of Spain trying to conquer England and Queen Elizabeth has to defend her country and their Protestant beliefs. She allowed her Catholic countrymen continue to practice their beliefs. Except there was a conspiracy to assassinate her from some Catholic followers. A somewhat of holy war ensued between the Catholics and the Church of England with both King Phillip and Queen Elizabeth believing it was the will of God to conquer and defend.

Good thing my mother was there to fill in the historical gaps. She is an English history buff and she loves studying the Monarchy. So, she was in her element. I was just happy for the eye candy and some action. Most of the British period pieces I’ve seen with her have been snoozers. Yet, what struck me was the whole justification of “anything” in the name of God. The visuals in the movie were stunning. The crimson colored cloths of the Catholics and ethereal light coming from the church ceiling upon the queen’s head. Holy light and the shedding of blood made me think of historical Christian history and its bloody imprint since Jesus’ death and resurrection.

When one side believes it right and the other one does too with no compromise, they each believe that it is God telling them to kill and destroy. I guess it is no different when radical Islamic fundamentalists proclaim jihad against an infidel Western world. Yet, when they believe that they are God’s soldiers bringing His will upon the world, how can both be correct?

England survived the Spanish Armada invasion. Does that mean that Queen Elizabeth’s God favored her over King Phillip who also believed that God blessed him with wealth to build an army and capture the world in His name? Or were both countries where highly favored because England and Spain still exist despite invasions and war? This is where it gets murky and turbulent like the waters of the English Channel that left the Armada weakened. It is difficult to know the will of God for an individual life. It is more interesting when a leader of country says that he or she also knows the will of God and allows it to influence decision making.

Online Registry for Single Women

2007-10-26T08:35:00.000-07:00

What a great idea - a registry for single women called the Well-Heeled Society. According to founder, Felicia Coley, "Milestones that don’t necessarily include love, marriage and a baby carriage."

Milestones that include buying a new house, first new car, first solo trip, new job, going back to school, etc.

It reminds me of an episode of Sex and the City where Carrie loses her favorite pair of Manolo Blanik's at a married friend's party. The friend offered to pay for Carrie's loss. Carrie told her that they were $450 shoes. The friend balked and said that she was only paying half. And, that Carrie needed to spend her money on more grown up things. It upset Carrie and she calculated how much she spent on bridal showers, wedding gifts, baby showers, and children's birthday of her married friends. It exceeded the $450. She posed a fact to her friend, Charlotte. There is nothing to celebrate being single. Birthdays don't count because everyone has them. No registries for a single woman's milestones. To resolve the problem, Carrie confronted the friend. Then, left a message saying, "I wanted to invite you to my wedding. To myself. I'm registered at Manolo Blaniks." The friend understood, apologize, and bought the shoes.

Well, Carrie would be a happy woman now.

I'm not pushing materialism. But, Carrie has a point. Single women do spend money on our engaged and married friends. We do it because we love them. But, in return, we would like our milestones celebrated as well.

Surrender

2007-10-24T08:45:00.000-07:00

Surrender is something I’m learning to do every day. I’ve surrender more things these past few weeks that I have in years. I’ve realized that expectations vs. reality allows for surrender to happen. Reality says that you have to accept certain things and not be upset when it doesn’t meet expectations. Especially when they are too high.

So, I see things in seasons like it says in Ecclesiastes. There is a time for everything. I made a list of the things that I have surrendered.

1. My aunt’s mental illness. I can’t control the outcome and I have accepted that she will have relapses for the rest of her life. She is responsible for her health and I can only be supportive not a monitor.
2. Friendships have different levels. Some friends you have for a lifetime. The close ones that are they are for you no matter the geographical distance. You only have a few of those. Some fall into the acquaintance level. You hang out, go out for drinks, and talk about your latest dating disaster. But, there is no expectation of anything beyond the surface stuff. Then, there are the seasonal friendships. Those usually come from a work or a small group environment. Friendships were strong when you worked together but faded when you left. Or the group no longer got together.
3. Friendships take work. They shouldn’t be one-sided. But, by understanding the level of friendship you have with someone, I no longer get upset when I want the acquaintance or seasonal to act like longtime friend.
4. I have been reexamining the things I’ve learned when I first became a Christian ten years ago. Life happened and fundamental beliefs don’t fit nicely into a box. It’s a journey that is no longer black and white. A lot of shades of gray. Gray that I finally accepted and realized that I have avoided because I didn’t want other Christians to get mad at me. But, it’s not about people pleasing. But, what makes sense for me. If my journey away from fundamentalism makes others upset, I apologize now. This new Christian journey allows me to be myself, a person that has been fragmented for a long time. I finally feel whole again and not a spiritual schizophrenic.

I don’t have a complete handle on surrender. Just the basics. Just enough to make some of the burden light.

The Be Brave Project

2007-10-18T07:41:00.000-07:00

I subscribe to the blog Zena Musings, created by a woman who has a wonderful candle making company called Zena Moon. She participates in the Be Brave Project, created by another creative blogger - The Diary of a Self Protrait. Here are the rules posted by Jessie:(most important:)
- MAKE YOUR OWN RULES.
- Do this for yourself.
- Make a commitment for the length of time that best suites YOUR needs--one day, one month, one year, one moment...it's all up to you, and you alone. ;)
- The "brave" or "scary" things that you choose to do can be as big or little as you want them to be. Sometimes it's the little things that can be the most scary!
(not to quote Nike, but...) Just do it.
- Be on your own schedule. You don't need to make a commitment until YOU are ready.
- This is your unique journey--make it whatever you want it to be.

Jessie has provided a cool badge as a daily reminder. I have it on my blog. She was inspired by Eleanor Roosevelt's quote "Do One Thing Every Day That Scares You".

Mine last week was a presentation/reading/signing of my book, Spiritual Journeys: How Faith Influenced Twelve Music Icons. I participated in a literary salon hosted by my college. Fourteen years ago, I graduated with the dream of becoming a published author. It has come true and I went back to be part of growing list of published alumnae. Public speaking is not my thing. But, it's getting easier as I'm asked to do more of it. I have to conjure up every ounce of courage because I don't like the spotlight. The cool thing is that the college recommendeded that my book be added to their library as well as the student reading curriculum. Crazy amazing stuff. All this because I took a brave step several years ago to submit an essay to the place that eventually would publish my book.

Project brave this week is that I'm trying a new church. I've been a spiritual journey that means walking away from Christian fundamentalism (not Christianity). It's a journey I've quietly be on and will reveal more in the weeks to come. It's huge step knowing that alot of people will not agree with my new direction. But, that's okay. I only have to please God.

The State of Incarcerated Black Men in America

2007-10-01T08:07:00.001-07:00

From an African American Harvard professor in a NY Times article:
"The circumstances that far too many African-Americans face — the lack of paternal support and discipline; the requirement that single mothers work regardless of the effect on their children’s care; the hypocritical refusal of conservative politicians to put their money where their mouths are on family values; the recourse by male youths to gangs as parental substitutes; the ghetto-fabulous culture of the streets; the lack of skills among black men for the jobs and pay they want; the hypersegregation of blacks into impoverished inner-city neighborhoods — all interact perversely with the prison system that simply makes hardened criminals of nonviolent drug offenders and spits out angry men who are unemployable, unreformable and unmarriageable, closing the vicious circle."

Baby Pangs

2007-09-26T14:40:00.000-07:00

Last night, I had dinner with a new acquaintance. She just had a baby and was adjusting to the new change in her life. You see, the baby wasn’t planned. The woman had a plan for her life that didn’t include marriage and children right away. She wanted to pursue another degree, do more traveling, etc. The new life has been rewarding and hard. I appreciated her honesty about motherhood.

We had a good conversation. But, the inevitable question came up – “Do you want to have kids?” I don’t know if it’s age or what, but I’ve been honest with people. I tell them that I had a large benign tumor removed from my uterus, causing the uterine wall to weaken. The doctor said my chances for conception and full term pregnancy have decreased substantially. And, being older decreases the odds too. Since I don’t have any marriage prospects in sight, it will be another childless birthday. I talked to some of my never-married no-kids single friends. Both are African American. One told me that she wanted the whole package – husband and kids. No single parent adoption. No adoption if she was married and found out that she was infertile. Another woman may consider single parent adoption. One family member got in on the topic too. She said that she always saw herself as a mother and not a wife. She had her children in her thirties.

For African American women, this discussion is quite interesting despite if they label themselves Christian or not. Because the large pool of African American marriageable men is small and some AA women choose not marry outside their race, having children means something different for each woman involved. Society tells them they are wrong to have children out of wedlock. Secular society blames them for the rise in crime and spoiled boys that disrespected women. Christian society blames them for having sex outside of marriage (despite the fact they didn’t have abortions). If the single women choose adoption, then they are blamed for not finding a husband and father for that child. I know choices are not always black and white. Some are done out of longing desires and unmet needs that didn’t evolved into the two parent family. Barak Obama made an interesting statement in this month’s Essence magazine. He said that if he is elected president, White America would get a taste of what a Black family (husband, wife, and two daughters) looks like. So, would Black America. The idea of two parent Black family seems like a fairy tale for some.

As I approach 40, I know that I want the whole package too. But, I have to also reconcile the fact that it may never happen. There is a lot of reality slapping me in the face. My aunt tells me that I shouldn’t worry about having a child at an older age. Despite Hollywood celebs like Halle Berry, Salma Hayek, and Marcia Cross all having babies over 40, it’s still difficult. NBC Nightly News just did a story about the increased fertility problems of 40-something women. Something they didn’t think they had to face. Not every woman has the money or insurance to pay for fertility treatments.

I won’t lie. I get baby pangs. But, I spend time with my younger cousins and women who have babies like the one last night. And if I never become a biological or adoptive mother, I am committed to the two children’s lives until they are eighteen years old. I sponsor two children from Africa through Compassion International. It’s a legacy that I can leave. To mother is more than just having a baby. It takes all of us to help raise children. I can do my part even if it my plans don’t ever come together.

Social Justice and The White Evangelical Church

2007-09-21T11:07:00.000-07:00

Last night, I went to hear the Great Porn Debate between porn star Ron Jeremy and Craig Gross, founder of XXX Church which ministers to people who want escape the porn industry or their addiction to porn. Pitched as a debate, the two men actually engaged in a good friendly dialogue even though they had opposing viewpoints. Both men tour college campuses and they came to Colorado College. Controversy emerges from both sides – an ordained pastor speaking at a liberal arts college about Jesus loves porn stars and how takes his moral guidance from the Bible. And, Christians, who don’t know about the porn industry, learning a lot of graphic descriptions of what goes on in those movies from a porn star. I was excited to see the campus church packed and how Christians were engaging the culture. It also made me think about social justice from the Christian perspective.

I became a Christian in a predominately white evangelical church. So, it has been interesting to watch how social justice is becoming part of their current theological discussions. In some parts of Christendom, it’s controversial to be involved in ministries like XXX Church. For Christians to go onto their turf (porn conventions) and talk about Jesus appears improper to some people. Yet, in some black churches, social justice has been a part of following Christ. Maybe because they believe that God has a heart for the brokenhearted and the oppressed. And, maybe because of a lot of the issues affect them directly as a people. When poverty, racism, addictions, etc. hasn’t impacted your life, it’s easy to say “it will take care of itself” or “God will take care of it and we don’t need to help them.” But, things don’t change at the grassroots level even when God asks us to act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly (Micah 6:8).

I wasn’t surprised to see the thousands of protesters descend upon Jena, Louisiana to support the six black high school students charged with attempted murder for beating up a white student. Yes, the charges were reduced but the outrage is still there due to glowing inconsistencies in the criminal justice system for blacks. Part of the group had members from the black church who were marching. Injustice had taken place and there were no qualms about participating. Members of the local Black church in Colorado Springs had a silent prayer meeting at the local courthouse. Support came from local high school students wearing black t-shirts that said “Free the Jena 6”. Most of them were white students who said that they didn’t believe this sort thing still happened. Things they only read about in their history books.

Social justice requires getting out of the comfort zone and helping those who are thirsty and hungry physically and spiritually. At the campus, it was great to see some of the younger white Christians living out their faith out boldly. Last night gave me hope as I wondered if things would ever change. It’s not a bash against the white church. It’s understanding that not all of the denominations agree with radical action. And, in some of their eyes, social justice reeks of “liberalism”. But, it’s not about maintaining labels or political sides. It’s about being Jesus in the life of a porn star or a jailed teenager. What’s more important – showing God’s love and the path to eternity or being proper religious folk?

Fewer couples making it to their 25th wedding anniversary

2007-09-20T09:23:00.000-07:00

Interesting article in today's NY Times about how alot of couples are not making it to their 25th anniversary. Here are some quick stats from researchers:

"One factor that also affects the marriage trends is that people are living longer. As a result, the median age at which women in a first marriage were widowed rose from 57.8 in 1996 to 60.3 in 2004. Among men, the median age increased from 59.6 to 61.3."

"One statistical constant has been the so-called seven-year itch, as popularized in the 1950s play and film about errant husbands. Couples who separate do so, on average, after seven years and divorce after eight. The duration of first marriages that end in divorce appears to have increased slightly among men."

But, what is quite interesting are the following stats. It may explain why some of us are still single especially black women like me.
"Among men over 15, the percentage who have never been married was 45 percent for blacks, 39 percent for Hispanics, 33 percent for Asians and 28 percent for whites.

Among women over 15, it was 44 percent for blacks, 30 percent for Hispanics, 23 percent for Asians and 22 percent for whites."

And, single ladies, here is confirmation that you are not alone.
"Census results released last week also confirmed the finding by demographers earlier this year that more American women were living without a husband than with one. Among women 20 and older, 51.2 percent said that they were divorced, separated or their spouse was temporarily absent or that they had never been married when the American Community Survey was taken in 2006."

If you never-marrieds do get married, there is a high possiblity that you may be the second or third wife.
"On average, people who marry again typically do so in about three-and-a-half years. Second marriages that end in divorce last about 8.6 years for men and 7.2 years for women.

In 2004, 12 percent of men and 13 percent of women had married twice. Three percent each had married three or more times."

So, if you get asked why you are still single, you have some stats to back up your case. Like I said in past posts, it's easy to get married. But, it's harder to find a healthy relationship and stay married.